Saturday, 2 October 2021

 Be there when I need a shoulder

When I need a heart
When I need to feel the beat
Beat of my heart
Let the road give me
. To know it's the way
Said I know it's the way
Don't worry .
Don't worry too much
There'll be another day
You see some things still remaining
A lot of changing
Don't dare stop changing
Sometimes you shine
Sometimes you fall
Sometimes you know
Sometimes you need
Someone to hold
Something that's real
Never alone
Until you can feel
The life in your soul
Be there when I need a stranger
When I need the beating of my heart
Beating of danger
Take you the way you want to go
I don't want to show you
You can find your own way
Find your own way
There's nothing written down
Nothing here to tell you
Nothing to tell you to turn around
I see you hating
Don't want to see you hating
Sometimes you shine
Sometimes you fall
Sometimes you know
Nothing at all
Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know you can
Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know I am
Sometimes you shine
Sometimes you fall
Sometimes you know
Sometimes you need
Someone to hold
Something that's real
Never alone
Until we can feel
Life in our soul
Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know you can
Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know I am

Friday, 24 September 2021

The fiercest, deepest love
the most tender one
the one which held my wounded heart
with their gentlest hands
their gentlest of hearts
I've had to let go of
for the sake of us
...for the sake of myself
shit
I had to become
sefish
in the most brutal way
I always dreaded
I never ever never ever coud have imagined
it to be like this
Shit 
Shit fucking fuckedy shit fucking hell
I don't know enough swear words
to put into words
how this feels
I am partially numbed 
by my favourite enemy
I give a middle finger to you too
Fuck you for claiming years of my life
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING BITCH ASS BASTARD
I feel so powerless 
can't you just leave us alone
give us some respite 
obviously not

 The nameless within me

grows to become a newborn

without name, stlll

a soulless one

seeking for a shape

in, me, in us, yours truly

not to be seen

Friday, 17 September 2021

 Se menee niin vitun diipiks

aina, joskus, sitku, mutku

Puhun kielillä joiten osaa

Vieraissa vieraita

Sylissä tuntemattomien

Omat hukassa 

Tutut hukas

Läheisyys kaukana

Koti siellä täällä ehkä eiku 

Mutku ehkäpä josnyvaiks

jos nyt tällä kertaa.. 

Ei sittenkään (taas) 

Ei ei ei (ei) enää

Tää oli täs

Nyt 

Just nyt 

Ei enää

(ikinä) 

Nyt

... 

Son luonnotonta paskaa

Enkä enää jaksa esittää

Yhtään mitään

Mitätöntä

Mitättömyyttä

Melankoliani on ollakseen

Ota tai vittu jätä

Son mulle (melkein) ihan se

Ja sama

---vai onko (?) 

sittenkään

Lopputulemaltaan kuitenkin

Yhdentekevä merkityksemätön päätelmä

Kuitenkin

Me kuollaan kaikki


Saturday, 11 September 2021

I am here for you

 Have we become so afraid of Love

we are scared to take up space

from our dying friends

when all they ask of us

is just to Be there 

that is all 

just to be

there

Why is it scary

Why do we deem it as 

some kind of interruption

When that is all that they could ever need?

Is it too much to ask?

The only thing we could give them

from afar?

What else can we do, anyway?

We might feel as if it is not that much at all

But we might never know that

in the moment of the deepest of despairs

when death is knocking on their door

the knock only they can hear

all they want to know

is that we are still here

with them, for them

and our silent whispers of hope

might just 

silence

the 

knock

for a while

And that is enough

 The smell of a cigarette

Lingers on my fingers

My voice is my own, only 

It is of the obvious

But never easily revealed as true

How to embody that which belongs

To you, a birthright

Which you abandoned

By forces 

Outwithin


Friday, 23 July 2021

There is a song within your bones waiting to be heard 

Thursday, 20 May 2021

Maalis kakskytkakskyt II

 Mother, open my eyes to see the miracles

Already present

Open the gates to the paradise within

Free me from this hell

Loosen the noose

round this neck

Soothe the pulsing scars

Carved by these hands


Pehmeä hiljaisuus sisälläni, hetken

Maailma riehuu jossain kaukana

Tässä, nyt, rauha

Linnut, kasvit, paahtava aurinko

Tyhjennyn

Päästän irti

tarinoista joita itselleni kerron


I am meant to be doing this

Thank you for this life, for this day, for this moment

Thank you for letting me feel alive again

Thank you for giving me the strength to save my own life

Thank you for letting me be free of addictions

Thank you for letting me see the beauty around me

Thank you for letting me feel again

Thank you for lifting my fears

Thank you for opening up my perspectives

Thank you for cracking my heart open

Thank you for this broken heart, which is healing

Maalis kakskytkakskyt

 Olen ottanut askelia suuntaan

joka vihdoin tuntuu oikealta

Vuodattanut aitoja kyyneliä jostain syvemmältä

kuin muodollisten haavojen alapuolelta

Sukeltanut ohitse pintaraapaisujen

Sanat ovat hukuttaneet minut syviin korpisoihin

Painaneet pääni aaltojen alle

Olen niin kaivannut levätä hiljaisuudessa

Onko se vihdoin avautumassa edessäni

Tunnen niin paljon suunnatonta, salattua häpeää

joka korventaa, tukehduttaa lamaannuttaa sisintäni

Laannuttaa

Sammuttaa ilmaisun, hälventää minuuteni

Läpikuultavaksi, laahaavaksi varjoksi

-----------

Syrjäytetyksi tulemisen vanha tuska kuohahtaa lävitseni

Pieni minä yksin ladon nurkalla kuunnellen muiden leikkejä

Toivoen, että joku tulisi pyytämään mukaan

Tietäen, ettei tule, että tunkeutumisesta seuraa rangaistus

Et sinä kuulu, ruma outo huora lesbo ne ilkkuu

Sullon rumat vaatteet tyhmät kengät kaikki vialla

Tunnen sen saman tuskan nyt, pienen ihmisen kivun sisälläni

Kuulumattomuuden tunteen, torjutuksi tulemisen pelon

Tämä tunnetrauma  eristää minut muista

Tätä pelkoa, tätä ahdistusta olen juossut pakoon vuosia

Aina kaivannut olla osa jotain, kuulua joukkoon

Jäädyn mahdollisuuksien edessä, kauhu lamaa

En osaa olla osa, osanani olla osaton - näennäisesti

Oloni on alaston, vereslihainen

Muisto siitä, miten kaikki sanani käännettiin minua vastaan

Koulukiusaamisen haavat ovat paljon syvemmällä kuin koskaan tajusin.

Saturday, 24 April 2021

 Avaruuden uuden luoden, taivaankannen taiten taittaen. Nimettömien nimet kiveen kaivertaen, tuhansien tuulien maasta. Luovien luovuutta lahjoen, lahjoja laakeiden lakeuksien. Laulaen lentäen linnun siivin, koivun oksan kohottaen. Näenkö näennäisen, väkien värjyvien salaisuudet. Pimennossa puiden kantojen, kantilta kuun kylkien. Auringon aaltojen avatuvien, läikkyvät värit väärällään. Sykkeestä sydämen syvänteiden, noitarummun pauhuva pauke. Turvassa tulen sylissä, puhtaaksi puhaltaen sielun. Sinä, minä, me, te - yhtä juurta, yhtä maata, yhtä taivasta ja kiertoa. Kaikki, tässä ja nyt. 

Monday, 19 April 2021

Contrary

I feel home amongst iron rubble and

The smell of gasoline

Abandoned houses with collapsed roofs

Rotten windowsills growing moss

Flaking rust

Alleyways cobblestones vistas of the city

Rough edges the most comfortable


Open swampscapes

Marsh tea cloudberry leaf cotton grass

Barren trees hollow trunks

Lichen beard souveniers

Boozy fjell

Motorway into the forest 

Sacrificial trees as seats for egos

Selfies with the sacred

Tuesday, 13 April 2021

be-ing

 And would it not be a tragedy

that I would not chase after dreams

greater than oneself

just cos I lacked the faith in me

the faith in One

would it not embody a kind of disaster

By trying,

by attempting to to be something (someone)

I am not

I have done the greatest disservice

to who I actually am

by trying

to be who I am not

to come

back home

Friday, 2 April 2021

Minä kestän sinut kokonaan

(On rakkauden kieltä) 

Elämä on ihmeellinen arvoituksellinen lahja

Mutta emme pysty elämään sitä

On vaikeaa antaa elämän muotoutua sellaiseksi kuin haluaa

~Lene Marie Fossen


Mulla on niin paljon rakkautta

mun sisällä et

mä räjähdän

Se ei ikinä lopu

~Yona



Monday, 29 March 2021

They sell daffodils in the shops

I long back to the land where they flower abundantly

Naturally

The crisp yellow caressing my tired eyes

I remember - the bluebells, wild garlics, chestnuts, yew trees, the elder alders

Wild gnarly roots on the paths I trod with bare feet

the fragrant forest floor

Unlike anything here

Waterbound, waterbound away from my love 

Madmadmadmadmadmad

The snow melts and I feel dread 

Are we supposed to, now, feel alive again?

Together with nature

Gross misconceptions

I give away

Losing all that is left, in me

Some hope, I guess

Remains

I will see you again

Soon

Wednesday, 17 March 2021

Waterbound

 I went out late one night

The moon and stars were shining bright

Storm come up and the trees come down

Tell you boys I was waterbound

Waterbound on a stranger's shore

River rising to my door

Carried my home to the field below

Waterbound nowhere to go

Carved my name on an old barn wall

No one'd know I was there at all

Stables dry on a winter night

You turn your head you could see the light

Black cat crawling on an old box car

Rusty door and a falling star

Ain't Got a dime in my rations sack

Waterbound and I can't get back

It's I'm gone and I won't be back

Don't believe me count my tracks

River's long and the river's wide

I'll meet you boys on the other side

So say my name and don't forget

Water still ain't got me yet

Nothing but I'm bound to roam

Waterbound and I can't get home

Monday, 15 March 2021

Rearrange my mind

 These walls have been aging slowly

My body keeps aging fast

I wasn't made to be here

I wasn't built to last

So I awoke at midnight

Sweat running down my cheek

I died in the hands of time

Can you rearrange my mind?

Kaipaan nyt lempeyttä, jota en osaa itselleni antaa. Rangaistus ja pakko nostavat vanhat seinät pystyyn, kahletsivat minut paikoilleen. Viimeiset kaksi viikkoa ovat olleet niin helvetin raskaat. Olen väsynyt, nyt. Mieleni vereslihalla, myrkyllä kyllästetty. Ikävöin suunnattoman paljon rakkaita jotka ovat meren takana eikä minulla ole keinoja päästä heidän luokseen. Enkä tiedä milloin se on edes mahdollista. Turhauttaa niin loputtomasti. Yritän parhaani pitääkseni itseni ja elämäni kasassa ja tuntuu aina vain ettei mikään riitä. Minä en riitä. Ahdistaa niin maan perkeleesti, kun ymmärsin laittaneeni kaikki munani samaan koriin. Sen myötä olen kasannut järjettömään paineen harteilleni ja pelko nostaa päätään - 'mitä jos en pärjääkään, en jaksakaan, sairastun taas, mitä mä sitten teen? Kaikki on tästä kiinni!' Ja sitten muistan nämä sanat..

--Ja puhalla ulos hetket heikkona,

Ahdistus pitkänä paineiden peittona.

Tuska hengittämällä taivaaseen palava,

Saa sammaleet aamukasteensa samalla.

Henkosella sisään koko maisema avara.

Happee vetämällä ihminen paranna.

Ja minä hengitän, syvemmin, pitempään, annan kyynelten virrata, kehoni venyä, kurkottaa, täristä, rauhoittua, annan kivun olla, tuntua, se haipuu jonnekin pikkuhiljaa. Olen jälleen hieman enemmän tässä, kotona.

Saturday, 6 March 2021

 Muistatko, kun kerran yritimme tutustua toisiimme. 

Kummallakaan ei ollut tarpeeksi sanoja täyttämään tyhjyyttä välillämme.

 Meillä oli kuitenkin sanaton ymmärrys,

 hiljainen tieto siitä,

 etteivät sanat ole tarpeen.

Sunday, 28 February 2021

"In oneself lies the whole world

And if you know how to look and learn, 

the door is there and the key is in your hand

Nobody on Earth can give you either

the key or the door to open." 


Friday, 26 February 2021

'' Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?
Because your blood's running cold outside the familiar true to life
Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?
Or keep your eyes on the road and live in the familiar, without you and I
It glows with gates of gold, true to life

For our love is a ghost that the others can't see
It's a danger
Every shade of us you fade down to keep
Them in the dark on who we are
(Oh, what you do to me)
Gonna be the death of me
It's a danger
'Cause our love is a ghost that the others can't see

We took a walk to the summit at night, you and I
To burn a hole in the old grip of the familiar, you and I
And the dark was opening wide, do or die
Under a mask of vermillion ruling eyes

Wednesday, 24 February 2021

Trigger warning; suicide, eating disorders, depression etc. 


My life is over at 22...

I remember that moment with such vividness, the moment I wrote those words down in a notebook that was smeared in my own blood. That moment I was in some of the deepest depths of depression I'd ever faced. I had sunk into a well that was so deep, so dark, an unescapable pit of misery I could see nothing but its cold walls from where I stood. I had no hope left for my future or recovery. I'd somehow given up, I had exhausted all the reserves I had. The nights were filled with the vividest nightmares and when I opened my eyes in the morning it was no different. The nightmares were more real than my waking life. There was no escape, no respite from what was happening within me. Every moment was a hell. Suicidal thoughts ran rampant in what used to be my mind. Every second awake, in my mind’s eye, I was jumping from a bridge, under a bus, a train, hanging from a noose in the woods, drowning, burning, freezing, starving. It just wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t make it stop. Isolation became a standard. I started falling away from the world I used to love so deeply. I couldn’t see the wonder and beauty anymore and my soul grew mute, my spirit dampened.


Things got so much worse before they started getting better. This took a long while, the worsening. Gradual fall from grace. The bottom was never too near, there seemed to always be a new low to be reached, another layer of shame to be peeled. I remember it so clearly, the moment when I made the decision to drown in the bottle. Because in one way or another that's how it was - a decision made on one layer of my being. A choice. I downed a bottle of red wine and something went off in my brain. Neural fireworks. It went off in a fashion I knew right then there is no going back. Something was hugging me from inside and telling me, if you stick with me I'll help you make it okay - sinister lies, of course. Nearly identical feeling I experienced at 14 when I threw up on purpose for the first time. It was a New Year's night, something wasn’t right at home and my cup spilled, the infamous camel’s back broke. The immediate release from something I didn't know how to fight, or to word even at the time, but was choking me alive, was way too tempting. I had found an escape trap door and that's all that mattered. From that moment on it took another seven, eight years of bulimic hell which I hid from everyone. That hell stayed with me, just changing shade, turning into the hell that is an addict's life. At the root, it's all the same, no matter what your choice of a fix is.


I am so, so sorry for everyone I hurt during these times. I am sorry for every hurtful word I have spat, every lie I have told. I am sorry for every message I left unanswered, every phone call I didn't return, for every time when I'd finally turn up I'd turn up drunk. I am sorry for the horror on your faces that I know was caused by my actions. I am sorry for every trauma triggered and every new one created. I regret the many ties untied, friendships lost, sisterhood broken. I can't stop missing you and some days it breaks me. I wish I could still fix things but I don't know how. Letting go is extremely hard. When I ask for forgiveness, these days, it seems it is mostly from myself, apart from anyone else. I know people mostly, propably, don’t hate me for going thru hard times and reflecting that outside but it is extremely hard to convince myself of that.


I know now it couldn't have been any different. I was coping, at the time, with the ability I had, which seemed, at times, like there was none. As if it was all just destruction not survival. Blame and regret are so pointless but I struggle to release them. These memories swirl around in my mind and my dreams, triggering the shame. Countless times I’ve grown so fucking frustrated of this cycle that it caused me to re-enact on old patterns and just deepened the anguish indefinetly. But then I began to reckon these things are trying to teach me, to show me the path I don’t want to be on anymore. That it is the time to do things differently. All of them.


I have felt on my lowest points to be the most despicable creature on Earth - complete scum who'd do everyone a favour by abandoning these earthly boots. But still, there would be knock on the door of my shattered heart, someone would walk in and say - I love you. Now, when you are uncabable of feeling worthy of a human life or form, there is someone, many even, who cherish you, think highly of you, want to be around, want to help. They want to know what’s going on for you, they want to hear about it, they really care. They will keep knocking on that door that you are so stubbornly trying to keep sealed. It's up to you to eventually get up and open it to them. At bottom of the well it is possible to forget that and keep making yourself deaf to those knocks on the doors of your heart. I have been shown a kind of grace I couldn’t fathom to exist once I dared to open that door. I see things could have been infitely worse for me from the start, and lord am I grateful they weren't. It definitely wasn’t rosy and stuff kept getting weirder, madder, more twisted the older I got, up to a point I felt I was going to be swallowed up in a furnace if I make no change to this annihiliation of everything I thought I’d ever be.


We can overcome so much more than we imagine. We are so much more resilient, so much more capable of goodness that once realised it feels almost overwhelming. In the depths of our hells, there is still, always, this sense of our basic goodness, even if we are completely blinded to it. It doesn’t go away, it doesn’t abandon you. We just need to get back in touch. And it really isn’t an easy task, at times.'


Right now, right here, I am so fucking grateful to have come out, so far, relatively sane out of the other end. I am 27 years old, turning which I truly celebrated last year (don’t usually mind birthdays or what not) just for the plain reason I lived this long – I had the knowing within, not just feeling, that I will never make it to this age. That was the power depression had over my mind. Inside I’d stopped living before I was due to leave here and about that I can only say it is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. To be a living dead, dead living. I am so fucking grateful for the people in my life who stubbornly kept knocking on that sealed up hard-wood door of my heart, who banged on it until I’d surface again and come live with you. I’m so fucking grateful for each and every day I get to breathe and experience here on this planet, to feel what I feel, see what I see, learn what I am learning. I will, like we all, eventually leave here but it won’t be by my own doing.


’’I know you are always with me

I trust in you completely

I feel your love everywhere

Om’’


Friday, 19 February 2021

 Shining morning

lingering breathing

eyes shimmering

horizon gazing 

back

at the onlooker

the game-changer

silent watcher

forward

flowing


~2017 



Friday, 5 February 2021

 ''kun ei hirttäydy kiinni ulkoapäin annettuihin määritelmiin siitä, kuka minun pitäisi olla, vaan saapastelee eteenpäin mahdollisimman aitona omana itsenään, voi törmätä joka päivä omaan porukkaansa ja nykyhetkessä tarkoitukseensa.''

''Fly low dear, fix yourself a life''

 It is stirring

Shifting

Transforming

 Alone, lone, one, all-one 

Molten lava in place of a mind

My heart a frozen volcano

Invisible eyes pierced, piercing, veils covering our dreams

Question your fears

Yell like a rebel from your watchtower

Familiar aliens in every corner

I love contradictions

Let's play

Sunday, 24 January 2021

 They come rushing in 

the things I have done and left undone

the things I have said and left unsaid 

Shame writhes in my gut, snakelike

poisonous transparent teeth 

digging on to the energy flesh

let go let go let go forgive

still I am afraid I might see your face again

I thought I cried enough tears to have forgotten

but seems an ocean is not enough

How long are you willing to carry these burdens


Last summer I met a Hopi elder

he was three meters tall beyond his crouched form

his name was a shape in the sky

he reached into my spinal column and

pulled out a thorn from a seeping wound

rotten blood spilled on the mosses and

grew flowers and berries

A silver bear ran from behind the pines

and swallowed me whole

I was born again 


Friday, 5 June 2020

'The Shambhala warriors in the heart of the machine'
Anonymous, not showing themselves.
Love & awareness as their weapons
Going beyond the Self
One is Another
Take the Fire of Arunachala with you
Spread this light, this energy
It is the time
Life is  eternal, opposite of Death is Birth
We need to go beyond personal, beyond divisions
Beyond self and the idea of Others
Become home in One
'The shit you did is the shit you did. It's not who you are'

If you realise all things change
there is nothing you try to hold on to
If you are not afraid of dying
there is nothing you can not achieve
Trying to control the future
Is like trying to take the master carpenter's place
When you handle the master carpenter's tools
chances are you will cut your hand

---------------------------

If you end up with boring, miserable life cos you listened to your Mom, your Dad, your  teacher, your piriest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit you deserve it - Frank Zappa

---------------------------

A big part of re-parenting yoursel is tolerating & staying with yourself while you're feeling big overwhelming feelings.

-------------------------------

Die before you die so you don't die when you die.

Saturday, 25 January 2020

Wolves do not sleep (2012)

Aamuisin, heräävä kaupunki ympärillä
pilvetön taivas ja mustasiipinen lintuparvi
kirkassilmäinen poika liikennevaloissa
tietäväinen hymy
Päivisin, harhaileva mutta tyyni mieli
keveä askel ja lämpöinen suojakuori
lohdullinen vieraus, ette te minua tunne
Iltaisin, odotuksen tuntu
kaikki on mahdollista
ilta on minun aamuni
Öisin, utuiset silmät ja kujajuoksut

Esi-isän uudet vaatteet


Tuesday, 21 January 2020

What if we start treating each other as Humans - not as men or women, black or white, young or old. Without "qualifications", without judging by the looks, race, gender, age - seeing the "me" deep down. All those are just reflecting the "me".

Tuesday, 7 January 2020

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion 
And the act
Falls the shadow
-T.S. Eliot

---




Thursday, 2 January 2020

Kipu kiertää kehossa
Kulkee, hapuilee
Löytämättä etsimäänsä
Harvat sanat huojuvat
Mielen laitamilla
Miksi olen niin yksin
Lähden, vaellan
Olen jälleen olematon, näkymätön
Abstrakti käsite josta ei saa otetta
Lumi sataa lävitseni

Tuesday, 27 November 2018

Rationale

Dreams; reality
Intertwined
Heartbeats
Whispers
Inhale
Exhale
Live and let be

Drink your wine from a glass
write whatever arrives to your mind
...it will be interesting
I light this cigarette again and
look around
It is calm and beautiful
Don't underestimate the power of
inner peace
It is so near and so far away
I look at the black filter of the cigarette
It reminds me of something
I smile
There is a bloodstain
on the page of this notebook

Saturday, 27 October 2018

Safe, protected & determined


The courtyard maple has dropped last of its orange leaves and we are feeling the winter now,
horizontal icy rains and piercing winds 
Time to light up the fires in our homes and hearts...

I have been well, getting better with every sober day...
It is incredible to be in this space right now,
because not very long ago it felt utterly unattainable
It has felt kind of like when you're climbing a mountain, I guess
When you're afraid of heights
You're focusing on taking one step at a time, not looking down
neither looking up because it will only look like an awfully long way to go yet
Just making sure that the steps are being taken, following one another...

I remember a moment of break down, when I shouted out to the Universe
-if there is someone out there, please for the sake of my life, please help me now-
and from then on I have felt angels and guides appearing, being close
I have felt safe and protected

Angels and guides are with you and you are protected.....

Friday, 24 March 2017

Illustrate the Mind

Rainbow dancing
on northern sky
Wild cold fire
Guiding travellers
in the dark
Watching over
the lost ones
Frozen lake
Trees heavy of snow
Glimmering
Shimmering ice-stars
Where there is
Northern Lights
one is never alone.

--

Writing a poem
out of nowhere
A tale told by
a forgotten fool
Always drinking
in the same old
corner pub
Repeating
the same old jokes
Until everybody
but him
is bored to death.

--

Wrecked
distorted
mind
Fluttering
from place to place
Translate yourself
find a moment
to rest within
Fall asleep
into a new dream
What is in your heart?

--

LOSE YOUR MIND
LOSE YOUR SENSES
LOSE EVERYTHING
BUT YOU.

--

Voices in the stairway
Echoes
continue
from their birth
to eternity
My foot jerks

The morning returns
always too soon
How to stop the time
make it last forever
and here we have
the present.

--

Clean air
clean water
clean food
clean earth
pure human.

--

Move.
The air moves.
Stop.
The air moves.

--

Numerous faces
one day
over
and over
again
The faces change
I change
but the place
and the past
never do.

Thursday, 2 March 2017

Ymmärrys


Avaan salkun salaisen
salaisuuden sanattoman
löydän minä etsimättä
Lupauksen teen
pyytämättä
Rukouksen lausun
äänettä, sanatta
Savu se nousee
savu se haipuu
Palaa se aina uudelleen
kun palaa se nuotio
Luulen ymmärtäväni
Ymmärrän luulleeni
että tiedän.

/

I open the hidden chest
the wordless secret
I find without looking
I make a promise
without asking
I pray a prayer
without sound, without words
Smoke arises
fades away
It returns everytime
the fire burns again
I believe I understand
I understand I only believed
that I know.
Open those doors inside your mind which reveal the tools you've been given

Share this poem with those who dare to imagine...

Olen yhtä kera kaiken
kaikkeuden valkean
läpi vaikeuden
vaikeuksien
kuljen minä yksin
muttei yksinäisenä
erottamaton
jakautumaton
yksin yhteydessä
olevainen olematon
koskeva koskettamaton

Tulen äärellä on se
lämmön äärellä on se
se joka tuntee
se joka tietää
se joka on
se. on.

Olematon. Oleva. Olematta oleva.
puoliksi täällä

Kosketan sinua
rakasta lämmintä ihoa 
tuttua
mutta tuttuus voi johtaa tuhoon
siispä pidämme välimatkan
joka suojelee meitä molempia
joltakin, jota kumpikaan ei tunne
mutta tietää olevan kuolemaksi.

Tulva/Flood

Tulva lävitse tulen
Tuuli lävitse aikojen
Nimettömien nimet
äänettä kuiskattu
Kirottu rukous
Ryöstetty lahja
Osattomien osana on
huolehtia huolettomista.

/

Flood thru the fire
Wind thru the ages
Names of the nameless
whispered without a voice
A cursed prayer
A stolen gift
The part of the partless
is to care for the careless.

Aamunversoma

Se on alkanut
olkoon ollakseen
olematta
Aamuöissä on
entistä enemmän valoa
Pimein hetki on taittunut
Tarinankertojia joka nurkalla
Jim Morrison elää jälleen
Lakkaan juoksemasta pakoon
Lakkaamaton pelko
ei johda mihinkään
Kuuntele minua systeemi
Koskaan ei tiedä
mitä on jätetty sanomatta
Se naurattaa
Häpeän pelkoa
vai pelon häpeää
Opettelen uudestaan kävelemään
heikoilla jäillä
Ottamaan iskut vastaan kevyesti
Kivun pelko
on itse kipua kivuliaampaa
Miten pelätään oikein?

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Sanoituksia II

Yötön yö
valoton päivä
iloton juhla
hautaujaset ilman vainajaa
pakkanen keskikesällä
koivunsilmuja joulukuussa
aikuisena syntynyt
lapsena menehtynyt
kutsumatta saapunut
luvatta luvattu
pyytämättä annettu
taistelutta luovutettu
äänetön huuto
soinnuton laulu
varjo ilman valoa
hahmoton ilman varjoa
olen.

Sanoituksia

Olen muuttunut
en palaa entiseen
siihen mikä on ollut
ja taakse jäänyt
tekee minusta vahvemman
tuska kasvattaa
menetys vahvistaa
koittelee ymmärrystä
rakastan, olen rakastettu
sydämeni avanto avonainen
sydäntalvella
tavalla joka on uudenlainen
keho vielä pelkää
mieli ei, ei sydän
olen palannut mutta mennyt
läpi tulen
uudeksi palanut, palannut takaisin
silti kulkenut eteenpäin ympyrää
luovuttanut melkein
silti aloittanut uudestaan
ikinä en lopullisesti voinut
antaa periksi
pienikin kipinä on nuotion alku
tai metsäpalon
tuhkaksi palakoon kaikki
tarpeeton jääköön taakse
jämät entisen itsen
eteenpäin luovien
epätoivon tuhkaiset siivet
räpytellen halki pimentyneen
taivaanrannan
viimeinen kajastus kaukaisuudessa
annan mieleni lentää
yli järvien ja vaarojen
puolelle toiselle jota en
vielä tutuksi tunnista
ääretön valoton valkeus
äänetön kaikkeus
pysähtynyt tuuli
jäätynyt ilma
keuhkoissa jääpuikkoja
puiden oksilla naavaparrat
lumi unet peittäen
hyytävään hentoon vaippaan
murtaudu läpi huurteisen minuuden
kaivaudu läpi routaisen kamaran
joka jalkojasi kannattaa
mutta lihaan sitoo
ja lihasta vapauttaa
kuiskaa rukous laakeille leikkiville laineille
jäänalainen ikijoki, iätön virta
joka kevään tullen
vapauden laulua laulaa
hiljaa kärsimättä odottaen
tietäen tulevan ennustamatta
lämmön, auringon, valon
ensimmäinen silmu
hiljaa, hiljaa
kuiskaa tuuli, kuiskaa tuli
samoin sanoin
yksin äänin väräjävin
tässä olen, tässä olet
jatkuen jatkuen
päättyen alkaen
juurtuen syvien tyvien
kantoin kautta
kaiken kantaen
kestäen etsien löytäen
löytyen
ymmärtäen
yhteyden
yhtenäisen
yksinäisyyden.