I feel sadness. Heaviness in my chest. A weight pulling me down; I am afraid. I feel resistance towards the things that are happening. I feel unfair and hurt. I feel like I am somehow a victim, but I also know none of this is really true. I am responsible for choosing my reality and my feelings, There is always a choice. This is a path I have been walking on. This is the path when one no more is ruled and blinded by the emotions. One can choose to step back and see situation as a whole. To what extent everyone is involved, what they are going through in their lives, what they want, what they expect. Also why.
I am afraid of being alone. I feel worried whether I manage to keep the illness which is lying dormant within me, in control. Throughout this whole recovery process there has always been someone next to me to support me. Soon it won't be this way anymore. I know I won't be completely alone, never, but I see how the approaching change is bringing something entirely new and unknown to my life. It is frightening and exciting at the same time.
I try not to think in terms of our relationship coming to an end of some kind. Because things are not simple in this way. In between humans there are set relationships that begin and come to an end within the framework of time. I humbly believe that deeper than this are the genuine soul connections which you form with someone very special and these connections are forever. They have no beginning, middle or an end. On the moment of meeting this special person you could feel like you already knew them from before, and from that on will always carry them in your heart.
Being together like that... Connected on numerous and indescribable ways is a great joy. There was always something else than just the conventional. We were not drawn together for the sake of physical attributes or sexual interest only. Being together started naturally changing us both and started to bring out our best qualities, qualities that had previously been suppressed by other anxieties and trivialities of life. We discovered the space and brightness we both had within; they were just waiting for the right moment to manifest.
I shared so much with you, at times even ceasing to care whether you were really receiving or whether whatever I was pouring on you was in any way beneficial for you. I thank you always, just for being there. You taught me how to work with judgements with your own example of acting. With you there was the space. Space for joy, love, anger, jealousy, admiration, light, dark, purity, stains - it was all there, taking turns. I have shared all these and many more nameless emotions with you. Thinking of one I can immediately recall the moment in time when we lived through it. The presence was always so strong memories remain.
I am grateful for all this. Because, what could possibly make one richer than knowing this, experiencing this - the subtle levels and ways of perceiving and living the life, discovering the mysteries and believing in real magic? All this is more important than anything else. In a way you were the missing key to my lock, the invisible lock in my heart that I was never able to see. By being yourself shamelessly you tore me open. To be with you I had no other chance but to open up and stop hiding myself from you and the world. You managed to dig all the way down and through my to heart, helped me to share and express more and more fully than I had done ever before.
I used to think that you are crazy and burning your candle from both ends. In a way I still perceive you like this, but in a different way. I now see you as someone who is full of fire, so full and so alive. I see you as someone who is on their way to mastering this fire, so it will not burn you. It is beautiful to be a witness of this. I know you will get there. You are the magician.
What comes after everything that can be given has been given? I often ask this from myself. To me you have, from the very beginning, appeared as a person of extremities somehow. Always giving so much, you were, you are. I had never met anyone like that before. Writing for you is very helpful on this moment, when the currents or emotions are strong and threatening to pull me to the sea of sadness. Still, I hope you will never feel worried about me. I know you tend to, sometimes, but I reckon it is about time to bring an end to this, not only because we are physically departing, but also for my own sake. It is time to travel solo for a while. You helped me to get started and gave me advice and courage.
I have never written like this to anyone. Always when I write, in the moment when the writing is happening the words and ideas are entirely private and sacred. It is only afterwards when I decide to share or publish them. The intention to write like this to someone specifically appears very rarely. I feel this very special need to care for you - I love the way you receive and appreciate this care. It is a very precious thing to give and receive in this manner, without having to plea or expect anything. Being able to live without expectations - what a wonderful lesson and freedom it is. It has been only with and through you that I have started to learn and witness this. It is certainly one of the ways to get what you need - not necessarily what you thought you want, curiously enough.
With the help of you endless inspiration and appreciation of me I found my own inspiration in life again. To create and express fearlessly. To be curious towards life and things of all kinds. I admire your open mindedness and ability to see things from different angles. It has been so rewarding to learn to consider possibilities and follow ways that before seemed somehow too 'far out' or impossible even. Like in a dream.
We can create our own reality. There is no separation between inside and outside. That is what we are being shown almost every day, is it not? I like to be with you because you always remain some parts or things about you as a mystery. It is a very interesting feeling. Almost like curiosity, but slightly something else still. I am happy to have written all this. There are emotions which awaken this almost desperate sensation of them never going to end are the ones which come from the deepest pain we have experienced, the sorest wounds. It is the cry you cry at night, when minutes stretch out into weeks and years of suffering, when all the hurt you have ever felt is being remembered at once. That is the cry of the child within all of us, who is struggling to find her way in this violent and crazy world. At times like this, it is good just to sit down and let the child write.
