today

everything is overwhelming

Desiderata

 Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

by Max Ehrmann ©1927

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

-Mary Oliver

Entäjossit

Entä jos tämä muuttuu primääri-progresiiviseksi?

Entä jos mä joudun pyörätuoliin?

Entä jos menetän kognitioni?

Entä jos en enää muista asioita?

Entä jos en enää ymmärrä asioita?

Entä jos käteni eivät enää toimi?

Entä jos en enää voi hieroa?

Entä jos en enää voi piirtää?

Entä jos en voi enää matkustaa?

Entä jos en enää voi asua hissittömässä talossa?

Entä jos kukaan ei halua mua koska mulla on tämä sairaus?

Entä jos menetän itsenäisyyteni?

Entä jos en voi enää huolehtia itsestäni?

Entä jos en enää voi laittaa itselleni ruokaa?

Entä jos en enää voi juosta?

Entä jos olen jatkuvasti hirvittävissä kivuissa?

Entä jos myeliitti uusiutuu?

Entä jos halvaannun kokonaan?

Entä jos mikään näistä ei tapahdukaan?

Entä jos pelkään turhaan?

 

Don't do things which make you feel like shit.

Just don't.

It should be that simple.

It is not.

Suru sieluni syövyttänyt

kaipaus mieleni köyhdyttänyt 

kipu kehoni kuihduttanut

menetys

unelmat ennen syntymäänsä kuolleet

kaivan niille haudan itsessäni

en äärellänsä itke

turhia kyyneleitä

 I am barely hanging on

 Oh, but don't, no, don't sink the boat

That you built, you built to keep afloat

No, don't, no, don't sink the boat

That you built, that you built to keep afloat

Singled out for who you are, it takes all types to judge a man

Feel, that's all you can

Filthy suits with bigot ears hide behind their own worst fears

Live, that's all you can

It's all you can

It's all you can do, hey

No matter where I put my head, I'll wake up feeling sound again

Breathe, that's all you can

Tomorrow smells of less decay, the flowers greet this blooming fray

Be thankful, that's all you can

Flogging Molly - Float

X/2016 The travelling woman

 I am a travelling woman

Looking in the eyes of saints

And seeing my reflection

Out and inside

Everyone and everything

I am a travelling woman

Looking in and out

For guidance, for truth

For the fire, for the water

Always leaving, always arriving

Every meeting has a separation

Every separation, a reunion

I am a travelling woman

Who sings out of tune

But from the heart

My guitar just learnt to speak

Or maybe I learnt to hear

X/2105

 I am just having a bit of a moment here

It's already dark, the day is over

The Moon has apparently turned blue

I feel strong and silent

I have now understood this -

The only direction to go to is not further away

it is closer, deeper inside

To become more intimate with the truth of you

with the part you that is eternal

Will I discover wholeness, completeness, 

from inside - when my heart has been purified, 

warm, alive, light, strong, my heart

Take your ground, maintain your stance

Dig your feet into the soil

Know and remember, what is important

I exist truly for myself first

What is your Truth?

Everything is about perception

 Please let me fall in love again

please let me not let another day

pass by in discreet slicence

please open my eyes again to see 

the magical play of life

X/2017

 This day covered

in haze & grease

Disgust in the gut

Rage in the  heart

Same old songs

Same old words

Wasted days

All just waste

Moving on seems so unreal

I don't want to turn to

you anymore

The sight of you

wakes up the dogs

X/2021

Sama maa, eri maailma

minun silmäni tummuneet vuosikymmenen pauhussa

Laskenut irti viattomasta uskosta

elämän palon kadottanut

mukulakivikaduille, yökerhojen lattioille

tuopin pohjalle

Vaeltanut kehää sydämin särkynein

Nyt uusi turtuneisuus

jolta toivoen pakoa kaipaa mennyttä vapautta

jonka päältä näennäisyyden huntu pudonnut

haikailee harhojen perään

Uusia illuusion itkuja kurkusta kaivelee

mykkyyden takaa

Nyt nouse ja taistele taasen puolesta sen

mitä oikeasti olet

Palasit paikkaan, vanha palanut, uusi ei vielä syntynyt

Kuka todella haluat olla?

Vai etsitkö vain sitä, mikä jo on

Et ole niin erilainen, kuin luulet

Annettava on anteeksi erheet, rikotut rajat ja lupaukset

muutoin muuri kohoaa vain korkeammaksi

 Recently

I crave to taste the oblivion

Even though I know 

The flavour is but bittersweet

 “Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.” 

― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Zegarmistrz światła purpurowy

 And when at last he comes for me 

the purple watchmaker of light 

Just to stir up the sky inside my head 

Ready I shall be, and bright

The days pierce me like bullets would 

The airs and floors all disappear

I look around me again and I will go 

I don't know where, forever

Without recovery

There is a light you will miss & you won't know it

There is a pain you must feel & you won't feel it 

There is a heart you must distance from & you'll crave it

There is a substance that will own you & you'll obsess over it 

There is a moment, a day, a friend, a love, that should be yours 

but you'll escape it

There is a freedom in the unknown but you'll never chase it

There is a life inside your soul & you'll never live it

Unknown

Aamu nousi, minä en 

Pimeys; kajo kasvoi hiljalleen 

valon tanssiessa sisään ikkunastani

jonka tahdoin sulkea vasten päivän kasvoja

Hitaasti

Riuhdon unen hunnun läpi painajaisia

irti itsestäni 

käteni heilahtaa ja

kuppi kolahtaa puulattiaan 

olen jälleen

täällä

tänään

nyt

...

 Kun kutsun loistavaa itseäni

ilmestyy eteeni vanha laiska minäni

niin siinä se on se laiskuri taas

ja sitten en tiedä mikä olen minä:

en: kuinka monta minää oikein olen

Enkä sitä miksi ne minät tulevat

Minä kelloa haluan koskettaa

ja kutsua esiin itseni aidon, todellisen minäni

sillä itseäni jos tarvitsen 

en saa antaa itseni kadota

Pablo Neruda

 Minulla on MS-tauti

Transversaalimyeliitti melkein halvaannutti minut

vei jalkani

Olin kuusi viikkoa sairaalassa

Opettelin uudestaan kävelemään

Koin kipua joka oli tehdä minut hulluksi

melkein mursi mieleni, vei järjen valon

Menetin kaiken jota olin rakentanut

En uskalla enää luottaa elämään 

Juuri, kun luulin alkaneeni todella toipua, 

Juuri, kun aloin ensimmäistä kertaa vuosiin todella

tehdä suunnitelmia edes ensi kesäksi

Kaikki hajosi, hajosi, hajosi, hajosi

Minä hajosin atomeiksi

Tulevaisuus, jota kohti olin menossa,

vihdoinkin vilpitön ilo sydämessäni

mureni mureni mureni mureni

katosi katosi katosi katosi

Olen tyhjä nyt

Elän päivän kerrallaan 

Niissä on kauneutta, katkeransuloisuutta

Koen kateutta ja raivoa

Sallin sen kaiken 

Aion parantua tästäkin

Olen kokenut eritasoisen helvetin jo niin monta kertaa 

että tiedän selviäväni

Minä en saatana luovuta 

Sisälläni palaa jokin nimetön 

Joka ajaa minua eteenpäin

Olen sen itselleni velkaa

Kaiken tämän jälkeen

En saatana luovuta

 22.08.2022

Onko luovuus luopunut minusta

Valo sammunut sisältä

Tyhjiö 

jota aurinkokaan ei valaise

Vain kipunoiva itseinho

Sykähtelee pimeässä

Miksi tunnen niin paljon arvottomuutta

Syvää merkityksetömyyttä

Voiko tässä tyhjyydessä levätä 

Minä...

Naakat nauravat haalistuvan taivaan takana

pihlajan lehdet vuorottelevat värejä

päivät jahtaavat toinen toistaan laahaten 

minussa kytee epämääräinen raivo

sydämessäni sula laava hohtaa myrkyllistä valoa

en saa otetta siitä mikä täyttäisi minut merkityksellä

täynnä tyhjää

nyrkkiin puristettu käsi, hiipivä kyynel

jostain on aloitettava

herään uuteen aamuun ja hetken kiroan 

kunnes muistan

kiitän

Addiction, stolen confidence & lost self-belief

Addiction takes everything from its guest. Mental & physical health. Friendships. Relationships. Financial security. Sense of home & belonging. In the world & in one's body-mind. It takes & takes & takes until you're left but a husk of who you used to be. Who you had thought you'd become. You lose track of the past & your vision for the future. It robs you of your ability to believe there is anything good left in your being. You are but a craving machine trying to keep the clogs of madness spinning. The clogs of destruction. This keep unfolding, unravelling into a seeming eternity. You no longer believe you are capable of the most basic tasks of life. You cannot trust anything about yourself no longer, because all the promises you have ever made you have always broken one after the other. At the slight of a glimmer you smother it straight away. Hope cannot be trusted. 'Hope is evil.' What is left? Nothing but everything to gain, when you have once lost it all. 

Recovery is a constant process of becoming & un-doing. It is impossible to go back to being who you used to be, because that is what got you into this mess to begin with. One must continually reinvent oneself. Build a new home on the ruins of the dreams you burnt down. Climb into that cocoon of unknowingness in your heart till you begin to see again through the hardly perceivable cracks. 

I abandoned myself not realising how long the road back would be. The hardest piece of the puzzle to find had been forgiveness towards myself. It is so much easier to forgive others. 'If you are going to whip yourself, do it with a feather.' 

Behind one smile, hundreds of stories and thousands of tears

Battles won and lost

I will never give up

I will pull through

I will walk till my feet are bleeding and skinless

and my heart is wide open

and my mind is free

-----------------

Kävelin ja pyysin anteeksiantoa

annoin muistojen hulmahdella mielen lävitse

Ikävä siihen mitä oli, kuka olin

keitä olimme

Voin vain hengittää, nyt

Odotin näkeväni sinut joka kadunkulmassa

Tai metsän laidalla, harjun päällä, järven rannassa

Itken keskellä jalkakäytävää enkä välitä mistään

Tunnen kaupungin paremmin kuin muistinkaan

Verta valuvat jalat kävelevät itsestään

Poispäin siitä mikä on mennyt ja sinne jää

 Waging a war in the mind

Against forces which can only 

stem from within

Deliberate yearning for self/destruction

Fear of fakeness

Not recognising what is true & tangible

in me - which part is the mask 

Nailed into my being 

Dishonesty burns - tears of lava

Why all of me feels like 

A copy-paste

Always feeling unseen

Words stuck in my throat 

The tension grows until

something snaps

Dire reflections in stale mirrors 

Chasing what has already been

Is it ever possible to feel/be whole

Unified human-being 

Saamien mailla

Täällä

Vain minä ja tuuli

Linnunlaulu ja

porot, koparoiden kapse

Minä ja

siniset tunturit 

Puhdistun

On rauha

Sanaton laulu

Ympäröi, syleilee 

Tämä paikka, nämä tuulet, virrat

Uusia mutta

entuudestaan rakkaita

Tuttu tuntematon 

Polut jotka minut kotiin vievät

Sydämeni hengittää vapaasti

Vapautta

Kahle murtuu 

Ympäriltä kylkien 

Tunnen

minulla on paikka 

tässä maailmassa 

josta olen tullut, jonka voin täyttää 

Juureni villit ja vahvat

Ikuiset 

Lapsi, olet täällä kotonasi

Et erillinen, et yksin

Olet osa tätä huikaisevan kaunista 

Kaikkeutta

Kiitos

Olen

Giidu elli

 As if a vague possibility existed

for me to to open up to Feel Love,

more, truly, deeply

A lifetime long journey, maybe

But it seems as if everything I'd felt before

Was but a mere reflection of 

What I feel now

When the tears come let them

You are held and accepted (by you)

Sometimes everything feels just a bit too much

Ride it, let those waves wash over you

Question everything that arrives to your mind

 I've been here many times before

Don't know which road I must go
My mind is full of so many thoughts
My heart beats on and on
All my love, all my love, oh

Have you been here many times before?
Do you cut your wings so that you'll fall?
Can you break on through to the other side?
Do you tell yourself things that ain't so kind?
Can you feel the worms wiggle in my mind?

And these walls, they won't crumble
And they won't let me get out of here
And these walls stand so tall
The flowers they'll all disappear
And the voices surround me
Again and again, creep behind me
Bringing me down
Bringing me down

And these walls, they won't crumble
And they won't let me get out of here
And these walls twist and turn
The devil inside me returns
As he smiles towards me
Again and again, holds me, chokes me
Burning me down
Burning me down

Burning me down
Down

~Nessi Gomes

 'I can't trust you anymore' is the most painful word combination for me to hear.

Fhir leis nach toigh bhith dealachadh

Rid' chridhe, fan bhon chailin ud

Air neo chan fhada dh'fhanas tu

Gun leòn nach leighis lèigh dhut.

You who do not like to part with your

heart, stay away from yon damsel other-

wise it will not be long before you have

a wound no physician could cure for you

 Be there when I need a shoulder

When I need a heart
When I need to feel the beat
Beat of my heart
Let the road give me
. To know it's the way
Said I know it's the way
Don't worry .
Don't worry too much
There'll be another day
You see some things still remaining
A lot of changing
Don't dare stop changing

Sometimes you shine
Sometimes you fall
Sometimes you know
Sometimes you need
Someone to hold
Something that's real
Never alone
Until you can feel
The life in your soul

Be there when I need a stranger
When I need the beating of my heart
Beating of danger
Take you the way you want to go
I don't want to show you
You can find your own way
Find your own way
There's nothing written down
Nothing here to tell you
Nothing to tell you to turn around
I see you hating
Don't want to see you hating

Sometimes you shine
Sometimes you fall
Sometimes you know
Nothing at all

Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know you can
Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know I am

Sometimes you shine
Sometimes you fall
Sometimes you know
Sometimes you need
Someone to hold
Something that's real
Never alone
Until we can feel
Life in our soul

Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know you can
Want to see you shine, shine, shine like I know I am

The fiercest, deepest love

the most tender one

the one which held my wounded heart

with their gentlest hands

their gentlest of hearts

I've had to let go of

for the sake of us

...for the sake of myself

shit

I had to become

sefish

in the most brutal way

I always dreaded

I never ever never ever could have imagined

it to be like this

 The nameless within me

grows to become a newborn

without name, stlll

a soulless one

seeking for a shape

in, me, in us, yours truly

not to be seen

 Se menee niin vitun diipiks

aina, joskus, sitku, mutku

Puhun kielillä joiten osaa

Vieraissa vieraita

Sylissä tuntemattomien

Omat hukassa 

Tutut hukas

Läheisyys kaukana

Koti siellä täällä ehkä eiku 

Mutku ehkäpä josnyvaiks

jos nyt tällä kertaa.. 

Ei sittenkään (taas) 

Ei ei ei (ei) enää

! 

Tää oli täs

Nyt 

Just nyt 

Ei enää

(ikinä) 

Nyt

... 

Son luonnotonta paskaa

Enkä enää jaksa esittää

Yhtään mitään

Mitätöntä

Mitättömyyttä

Melankoliani on ollakseen

Ota tai vittu jätä

Son mulle (melkein) ihan se

Ja sama

---vai onko (?) 

sittenkään

Lopputulemaltaan kuitenkin

Yhdentekevä merkityksemätön päätelmä

Kuitenkin

Me kuollaan kaikki

I am here for you

 Have we become so afraid of Love

we are scared to take up space

from our dying friends

when all they ask of us

is just to Be there 

that is all 

just to be

there

Why is it scary

Why do we deem it as 

some kind of interruption

When that is all that they could ever need?

Is it too much to ask?

The only thing we could give them

from afar?

What else can we do, anyway?

We might feel as if it is not that much at all

But we might never know that

in the moment of the deepest of despairs

when death is knocking on their door

the knock only they can hear

all they want to know

is that we are still here

with them, for them

and our silent whispers of hope

might just 

silence

the 

knock

for a while

And that is enough

 The smell of a cigarette

Lingers on my fingers

My voice is my own, only 

It is of the obvious

But never easily revealed as true

How to embody that which belongs

To you, a birthright

Which you abandoned

By forces 

Outwithin

There is a song within your bones waiting to be heard 

Maalis kakskytkakskyt II

 Mother, open my eyes to see the miracles

Already present

Open the gates to the paradise within

Free me from this hell

Loosen the noose

round this neck

Soothe the pulsing scars

Carved by these hands

Pehmeä hiljaisuus sisälläni, hetken

Maailma riehuu jossain kaukana

Tässä, nyt, rauha

Linnut, kasvit, paahtava aurinko

Tyhjennyn

Päästän irti

tarinoista joita itselleni kerron

I am meant to be doing this

Thank you for this life, for this day, for this moment

Thank you for letting me feel alive again

Thank you for giving me the strength to save my own life

Thank you for letting me be free of addictions

Thank you for letting me see the beauty around me

Thank you for letting me feel again

Thank you for lifting my fears

Thank you for opening up my perspectives

Thank you for cracking my heart open

Thank you for this broken heart, which is healing

Maalis kakskytkakskyt

 Olen ottanut askelia suuntaan

joka vihdoin tuntuu oikealta

Vuodattanut aitoja kyyneliä jostain syvemmältä

kuin muodollisten haavojen alapuolelta

Sukeltanut ohitse pintaraapaisujen

Sanat ovat hukuttaneet minut syviin korpisoihin

Painaneet pääni aaltojen alle

Olen niin kaivannut levätä hiljaisuudessa

Onko se vihdoin avautumassa edessäni

Tunnen niin paljon suunnatonta, salattua häpeää

joka korventaa, tukehduttaa lamaannuttaa sisintäni

Laannuttaa

Sammuttaa ilmaisun, hälventää minuuteni

Läpikuultavaksi, laahaavaksi varjoksi

-----------

Syrjäytetyksi tulemisen vanha tuska kuohahtaa lävitseni

Pieni minä yksin ladon nurkalla kuunnellen muiden leikkejä

Toivoen, että joku tulisi pyytämään mukaan

Tietäen, ettei tule, että tunkeutumisesta seuraa rangaistus

Et sinä kuulu, ruma outo huora lesbo ne ilkkuu

Sullon rumat vaatteet tyhmät kengät kaikki vialla

Tunnen sen saman tuskan nyt, pienen ihmisen kivun sisälläni

Kuulumattomuuden tunteen, torjutuksi tulemisen pelon

Tämä tunnetrauma  eristää minut muista

Tätä pelkoa, tätä ahdistusta olen juossut pakoon vuosia

Aina kaivannut olla osa jotain, kuulua joukkoon

Jäädyn mahdollisuuksien edessä, kauhu lamaa

En osaa olla osa, osanani olla osaton - näennäisesti

Oloni on alaston, vereslihainen

Muisto siitä, miten kaikki sanani käännettiin minua vastaan

Koulukiusaamisen haavat ovat paljon syvemmällä kuin koskaan tajusin.

 Avaruuden uuden luoden, taivaankannen taiten taittaen. Nimettömien nimet kiveen kaivertaen, tuhansien tuulien maasta. Luovien luovuutta lahjoen, lahjoja laakeiden lakeuksien. Laulaen lentäen linnun siivin, koivun oksan kohottaen. Näenkö näennäisen, väkien värjyvien salaisuudet. Pimennossa puiden kantojen, kantilta kuun kylkien. Auringon aaltojen avatuvien, läikkyvät värit väärällään. Sykkeestä sydämen syvänteiden, noitarummun pauhuva pauke. Turvassa tulen sylissä, puhtaaksi puhaltaen sielun. Sinä, minä, me, te - yhtä juurta, yhtä maata, yhtä taivasta ja kiertoa. Kaikki, tässä ja nyt. 

Contrary

I feel home amongst iron rubble and

The smell of gasoline

Abandoned houses with collapsed roofs

Rotten windowsills growing moss

Flaking rust

Alleyways cobblestones vistas of the city

Rough edges the most comfortable

Open swampscapes

Marsh tea cloudberry leaf cotton grass

Barren trees hollow trunks

Lichen beard souveniers

Boozy fjell

Motorway into the forest 

Sacrificial trees as seats for egos

Selfies with the sacred

. 

be-ing

 And would it not be a tragedy

that I would not chase after dreams

greater than oneself

just cos I lacked the faith in me

the faith in One

would it not embody a kind of disaster

By trying,

by attempting to to be something (someone)

I am not

I have done the greatest disservice

to who I actually am

by trying

to be who I am not

to come

back home

Minä kestän sinut kokonaan

(On rakkauden kieltä) 

Elämä on ihmeellinen arvoituksellinen lahja

Mutta emme pysty elämään sitä

On vaikeaa antaa elämän muotoutua sellaiseksi kuin haluaa

~Lene Marie Fossen

Mulla on niin paljon rakkautta

mun sisällä et

mä räjähdän

Se ei ikinä lopu

~Yona

They sell daffodils in the shops

I long back to the land where they flower abundantly

Naturally

The crisp yellow caressing my tired eyes

I remember - the bluebells, wild garlics, chestnuts, yew trees, the elder alders

Wild gnarly roots on the paths I trod with bare feet

the fragrant forest floor

Unlike anything here

Waterbound, waterbound away from my love 

Madmadmadmadmadmad

The snow melts and I feel dread 

Are we supposed to, now, feel alive again?

Together with nature

Gross misconceptions

I give away

Losing all that is left, in me

Some hope, I guess

Remains

I will see you again

Soon

Waterbound

 I went out late one night

The moon and stars were shining bright

Storm come up and the trees come down

Tell you boys I was waterbound

Waterbound on a stranger's shore

River rising to my door

Carried my home to the field below

Waterbound nowhere to go

Carved my name on an old barn wall

No one'd know I was there at all

Stables dry on a winter night

You turn your head you could see the light

Black cat crawling on an old box car

Rusty door and a falling star

Ain't Got a dime in my rations sack

Waterbound and I can't get back

It's I'm gone and I won't be back

Don't believe me count my tracks

River's long and the river's wide

I'll meet you boys on the other side

So say my name and don't forget

Water still ain't got me yet

Nothing but I'm bound to roam

Waterbound and I can't get home

Rearrange my mind

 These walls have been aging slowly

My body keeps aging fast

I wasn't made to be here

I wasn't built to last

So I awoke at midnight

Sweat running down my cheek

I died in the hands of time

Can you rearrange my mind?

Kaipaan nyt lempeyttä, jota en osaa itselleni antaa. Rangaistus ja pakko nostavat vanhat seinät pystyyn, kahletsivat minut paikoilleen. Viimeiset kaksi viikkoa ovat olleet niin helvetin raskaat. Olen väsynyt, nyt. Mieleni vereslihalla, myrkyllä kyllästetty. Ikävöin suunnattoman paljon rakkaita jotka ovat meren takana eikä minulla ole keinoja päästä heidän luokseen. Enkä tiedä milloin se on edes mahdollista. Turhauttaa niin loputtomasti. Yritän parhaani pitääkseni itseni ja elämäni kasassa ja tuntuu aina vain ettei mikään riitä. Minä en riitä. Ahdistaa niin maan perkeleesti, kun ymmärsin laittaneeni kaikki munani samaan koriin. Sen myötä olen kasannut järjettömään paineen harteilleni ja pelko nostaa päätään - 'mitä jos en pärjääkään, en jaksakaan, sairastun taas, mitä mä sitten teen? Kaikki on tästä kiinni!' Ja sitten muistan nämä sanat..

--Ja puhalla ulos hetket heikkona,

Ahdistus pitkänä paineiden peittona.

Tuska hengittämällä taivaaseen palava,

Saa sammaleet aamukasteensa samalla.

Henkosella sisään koko maisema avara.

Happee vetämällä ihminen paranna.

Ja minä hengitän, syvemmin, pitempään, annan kyynelten virrata, kehoni venyä, kurkottaa, täristä, rauhoittua, annan kivun olla, tuntua, se haipuu jonnekin pikkuhiljaa. Olen jälleen hieman enemmän tässä, kotona.

 Muistatko, kun kerran yritimme tutustua toisiimme. 

Kummallakaan ei ollut tarpeeksi sanoja täyttämään tyhjyyttä välillämme.

 Meillä oli kuitenkin sanaton ymmärrys,

 hiljainen tieto siitä,

 etteivät sanat ole tarpeen.

"In oneself lies the whole world

And if you know how to look and learn, 

the door is there and the key is in your hand

Nobody on Earth can give you either

the key or the door to open." 

'' Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?

Because your blood's running cold outside the familiar true to life

Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?

Or keep your eyes on the road and live in the familiar, without you and I

It glows with gates of gold, true to life

For our love is a ghost that the others can't see

It's a danger

Every shade of us you fade down to keep

Them in the dark on who we are

(Oh, what you do to me)

Gonna be the death of me

It's a danger

'Cause our love is a ghost that the others can't see

We took a walk to the summit at night, you and I

To burn a hole in the old grip of the familiar, you and I

And the dark was opening wide, do or die

Under a mask of vermillion ruling eyes

Trigger warning; suicide, eating disorders, depression etc. 

My life is over at 22...

I remember that moment with such vividness, the moment I wrote those words down in a notebook that was smeared in my own blood. That moment I was in some of the deepest depths of depression I'd ever faced. I had sunk into a well that was so deep, so dark, an unescapable pit of misery I could see nothing but its cold walls from where I stood. I had no hope left for my future or recovery. I'd somehow given up, I had exhausted all the reserves I had. The nights were filled with the vividest nightmares and when I opened my eyes in the morning it was no different. The nightmares were more real than my waking life. There was no escape, no respite from what was happening within me. Every moment was a hell. Suicidal thoughts ran rampant in what used to be my mind. Every second awake, in my mind’s eye, I was jumping from a bridge, under a bus, a train, hanging from a noose in the woods, drowning, burning, freezing, starving. It just wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t make it stop. Isolation became a standard. I started falling away from the world I used to love so deeply. I couldn’t see the wonder and beauty anymore and my soul grew mute, my spirit dampened.

Things got so much worse before they started getting better. This took a long while, the worsening. Gradual fall from grace. The bottom was never too near, there seemed to always be a new low to be reached, another layer of shame to be peeled. I remember it so clearly, the moment when I made the decision to drown in the bottle. Because in one way or another that's how it was - a decision made on one layer of my being. A choice. I downed a bottle of red wine and something went off in my brain. Neural fireworks. It went off in a fashion I knew right then there is no going back. Something was hugging me from inside and telling me, if you stick with me I'll help you make it okay - sinister lies, of course. Nearly identical feeling I experienced at 14 when I threw up on purpose for the first time. It was a New Year's night, something wasn’t right at home and my cup spilled, the infamous camel’s back broke. The immediate release from something I didn't know how to fight, or to word even at the time, but was choking me alive, was way too tempting. I had found an escape trap door and that's all that mattered. From that moment on it took another seven, eight years of bulimic hell which I hid from everyone. That hell stayed with me, just changing shade, turning into the hell that is an addict's life. At the root, it's all the same, no matter what your choice of a fix is.

I am so, so sorry for everyone I hurt during these times. I am sorry for every hurtful word I have spat, every lie I have told. I am sorry for every message I left unanswered, every phone call I didn't return, for every time when I'd finally turn up I'd turn up drunk. I am sorry for the horror on your faces that I know was caused by my actions. I am sorry for every trauma triggered and every new one created. I regret the many ties untied, friendships lost, sisterhood broken. I can't stop missing you and some days it breaks me. I wish I could still fix things but I don't know how. Letting go is extremely hard. When I ask for forgiveness, these days, it seems it is mostly from myself, apart from anyone else. I know people mostly, propably, don’t hate me for going thru hard times and reflecting that outside but it is extremely hard to convince myself of that.

I know now it couldn't have been any different. I was coping, at the time, with the ability I had, which seemed, at times, like there was none. As if it was all just destruction not survival. Blame and regret are so pointless but I struggle to release them. These memories swirl around in my mind and my dreams, triggering the shame. Countless times I’ve grown so fucking frustrated of this cycle that it caused me to re-enact on old patterns and just deepened the anguish indefinetly. But then I began to reckon these things are trying to teach me, to show me the path I don’t want to be on anymore. That it is the time to do things differently. All of them.

I have felt on my lowest points to be the most despicable creature on Earth - complete scum who'd do everyone a favour by abandoning these earthly boots. But still, there would be knock on the door of my shattered heart, someone would walk in and say - I love you. Now, when you are uncabable of feeling worthy of a human life or form, there is someone, many even, who cherish you, think highly of you, want to be around, want to help. They want to know what’s going on for you, they want to hear about it, they really care. They will keep knocking on that door that you are so stubbornly trying to keep sealed. It's up to you to eventually get up and open it to them. At bottom of the well it is possible to forget that and keep making yourself deaf to those knocks on the doors of your heart. I have been shown a kind of grace I couldn’t fathom to exist once I dared to open that door. I see things could have been infitely worse for me from the start, and lord am I grateful they weren't. It definitely wasn’t rosy and stuff kept getting weirder, madder, more twisted the older I got, up to a point I felt I was going to be swallowed up in a furnace if I make no change to this annihiliation of everything I thought I’d ever be.

We can overcome so much more than we imagine. We are so much more resilient, so much more capable of goodness that once realised it feels almost overwhelming. In the depths of our hells, there is still, always, this sense of our basic goodness, even if we are completely blinded to it. It doesn’t go away, it doesn’t abandon you. We just need to get back in touch. And it really isn’t an easy task, at times.'

Right now, right here, I am so fucking grateful to have come out, so far, relatively sane out of the other end. I am 27 years old, turning which I truly celebrated last year (don’t usually mind birthdays or what not) just for the plain reason I lived this long – I had the knowing within, not just feeling, that I will never make it to this age. That was the power depression had over my mind. Inside I’d stopped living before I was due to leave here and about that I can only say it is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. To be a living dead, dead living. I am so fucking grateful for the people in my life who stubbornly kept knocking on that sealed up hard-wood door of my heart, who banged on it until I’d surface again and come live with you. I’m so fucking grateful for each and every day I get to breathe and experience here on this planet, to feel what I feel, see what I see, learn what I am learning. I will, like we all, eventually leave here but it won’t be by my own doing.

’’I know you are always with me

I trust in you completely

I feel your love everywhere

Om’’

 Shining morning

lingering breathing

eyes shimmering

horizon gazing 

back

at the onlooker

the game-changer

silent watcher

forward

flowing

~2017 

 ''kun ei hirttäydy kiinni ulkoapäin annettuihin määritelmiin siitä, kuka minun pitäisi olla, vaan saapastelee eteenpäin mahdollisimman aitona omana itsenään, voi törmätä joka päivä omaan porukkaansa ja nykyhetkessä tarkoitukseensa.''

''Fly low dear, fix yourself a life''

 It is stirring

Shifting

Transforming

 Alone, lone, one, all-one 

Molten lava in place of a mind

My heart a frozen volcano

Invisible eyes pierced, piercing, veils covering our dreams

Question your fears

Yell like a rebel from your watchtower

Familiar aliens in every corner

I love contradictions

Let's play

 They come rushing in 

the things I have done and left undone

the things I have said and left unsaid 

Shame writhes in my gut, snakelike

poisonous transparent teeth 

digging on to the energy flesh

let go let go let go forgive

still I am afraid I might see your face again

I thought I cried enough tears to have forgotten

but seems an ocean is not enough

How long are you willing to carry these burdens

Last summer I met a Hopi elder

he was three meters tall beyond his crouched form

his name was a shape in the sky

he reached into my spinal column and

pulled out a thorn from a seeping wound

rotten blood spilled on the mosses and

grew flowers and berries

A silver bear ran from behind the pines

and swallowed me whole

I was born again 

'The Shambhala warriors in the heart of the machine'
Anonymous, not showing themselves.
Love & awareness as their weapons
Going beyond the Self
One is Another
Take the Fire of Arunachala with you
Spread this light, this energy
It is the time
Life is  eternal, opposite of Death is Birth
We need to go beyond personal, beyond divisions
Beyond self and the idea of Others
Become home in One

'The shit you did is the shit you did. It's not who you are'

If you realise all things change
there is nothing you try to hold on to
If you are not afraid of dying
there is nothing you can not achieve
Trying to control the future
Is like trying to take the master carpenter's place
When you handle the master carpenter's tools
chances are you will cut your hand

---------------------------

If you end up with boring, miserable life cos you listened to your Mom, your Dad, your  teacher, your piriest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit you deserve it - Frank Zappa

---------------------------

A big part of re-parenting yoursel is tolerating & staying with yourself while you're feeling big overwhelming feelings.

-------------------------------

Die before you die so you don't die when you die.

Wolves do not sleep (2012)

Aamuisin, heräävä kaupunki ympärillä
pilvetön taivas ja mustasiipinen lintuparvi
kirkassilmäinen poika liikennevaloissa
tietäväinen hymy
Päivisin, harhaileva mutta tyyni mieli
keveä askel ja lämpöinen suojakuori
lohdullinen vieraus, ette te minua tunne
Iltaisin, odotuksen tuntu
kaikki on mahdollista
ilta on minun aamuni
Öisin, utuiset silmät ja kujajuoksut

Esi-isän uudet vaatteet

What if we start treating each other as Humans - not as men or women, black or white, young or old. Without "qualifications", without judging by the looks, race, gender, age - seeing the "me" deep down. All those are just reflecting the "me".

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion 

And the act

Falls the shadow

-T.S. Eliot

---

Kipu kiertää kehossa
Kulkee, hapuilee
Löytämättä etsimäänsä
Harvat sanat huojuvat
Mielen laitamilla
Miksi olen niin yksin
Lähden, vaellan
Olen jälleen olematon, näkymätön
Abstrakti käsite josta ei saa otetta
Lumi sataa lävitseni

Rationale

Dreams; reality
Intertwined
Heartbeats
Whispers
Inhale
Exhale
Live and let be

Drink your wine from a glass
write whatever arrives to your mind
...it will be interesting
I light this cigarette again and
look around
It is calm and beautiful
Don't underestimate the power of
inner peace
It is so near and so far away
I look at the black filter of the cigarette
It reminds me of something
I smile
There is a bloodstain
on the page of this notebook

Safe, protected & determined

The courtyard maple has dropped last of its orange leaves and we are feeling the winter now,

horizontal icy rains and piercing winds 

Time to light up the fires in our homes and hearts...

I have been well, getting better with every sober day...

It is incredible to be in this space right now,

because not very long ago it felt utterly unattainable

It has felt kind of like when you're climbing a mountain, I guess

When you're afraid of heights

You're focusing on taking one step at a time, not looking down

neither looking up because it will only look like an awfully long way to go yet

Just making sure that the steps are being taken, following one another...

I remember a moment of break down, when I shouted out to the Universe

-if there is someone out there, please for the sake of my life, please help me now-

and from then on I have felt angels and guides appearing, being close

I have felt safe and protected

Angels and guides are with you and you are protected.....

Illustrate the Mind

Rainbow dancing
on northern sky
Wild cold fire
Guiding travellers
in the dark
Watching over
the lost ones
Frozen lake
Trees heavy of snow
Glimmering
Shimmering ice-stars
Where there is
Northern Lights
one is never alone.

--

Writing a poem
out of nowhere
A tale told by
a forgotten fool
Always drinking
in the same old
corner pub
Repeating
the same old jokes
Until everybody
but him
is bored to death.

--

Wrecked
distorted
mind
Fluttering
from place to place
Translate yourself
find a moment
to rest within
Fall asleep
into a new dream
What is in your heart?

--

LOSE YOUR MIND
LOSE YOUR SENSES
LOSE EVERYTHING
BUT YOU.

--

Voices in the stairway
Echoes
continue
from their birth
to eternity
My foot jerks

The morning returns
always too soon
How to stop the time
make it last forever
and here we have
the present.

--

Clean air
clean water
clean food
clean earth
pure human.

--

Move.
The air moves.
Stop.
The air moves.

--

Numerous faces
one day
over
and over
again
The faces change
I change
but the place
and the past
never do.

Ymmärrys

Avaan salkun salaisen

salaisuuden sanattoman

löydän minä etsimättä

Lupauksen teen

pyytämättä

Rukouksen lausun

äänettä, sanatta

Savu se nousee

savu se haipuu

Palaa se aina uudelleen

kun palaa se nuotio

Luulen ymmärtäväni

Ymmärrän luulleeni

että tiedän.

/

I open the hidden chest
the wordless secret
I find without looking
I make a promise
without asking
I pray a prayer
without sound, without words
Smoke arises
fades away
It returns everytime
the fire burns again
I believe I understand
I understand I only believed
that I know.

Open those doors inside your mind which reveal the tools you've been given

Share this poem with those who dare to imagine...

Olen yhtä kera kaiken

kaikkeuden valkean

läpi vaikeuden

vaikeuksien

kuljen minä yksin

muttei yksinäisenä

erottamaton

jakautumaton

yksin yhteydessä

olevainen olematon

koskeva koskettamaton

Tulen äärellä on se

lämmön äärellä on se

se joka tuntee

se joka tietää

se joka on

se. on.

Olematon. Oleva. Olematta oleva.

puoliksi täällä

Kosketan sinua

rakasta lämmintä ihoa 

tuttua

mutta tuttuus voi johtaa tuhoon

siispä pidämme välimatkan

joka suojelee meitä molempia

joltakin, jota kumpikaan ei tunne

mutta tietää olevan kuolemaksi.

Tulva/Flood

Tulva lävitse tulen
Tuuli lävitse aikojen
Nimettömien nimet
äänettä kuiskattu
Kirottu rukous
Ryöstetty lahja
Osattomien osana on
huolehtia huolettomista.

/

Flood thru the fire
Wind thru the ages
Names of the nameless
whispered without a voice
A cursed prayer
A stolen gift
The part of the partless
is to care for the careless.

Aamunversoma

Se on alkanut
olkoon ollakseen
olematta
Aamuöissä on
entistä enemmän valoa
Pimein hetki on taittunut
Tarinankertojia joka nurkalla
Jim Morrison elää jälleen
Lakkaan juoksemasta pakoon
Lakkaamaton pelko
ei johda mihinkään
Kuuntele minua systeemi
Koskaan ei tiedä
mitä on jätetty sanomatta
Se naurattaa
Häpeän pelkoa
vai pelon häpeää
Opettelen uudestaan kävelemään
heikoilla jäillä
Ottamaan iskut vastaan kevyesti
Kivun pelko
on itse kipua kivuliaampaa
Miten pelätään oikein?