"In oneself lies the whole world

And if you know how to look and learn, 

the door is there and the key is in your hand

Nobody on Earth can give you either

the key or the door to open." 

'' Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?

Because your blood's running cold outside the familiar true to life

Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?

Or keep your eyes on the road and live in the familiar, without you and I

It glows with gates of gold, true to life

For our love is a ghost that the others can't see

It's a danger

Every shade of us you fade down to keep

Them in the dark on who we are

(Oh, what you do to me)

Gonna be the death of me

It's a danger

'Cause our love is a ghost that the others can't see

We took a walk to the summit at night, you and I

To burn a hole in the old grip of the familiar, you and I

And the dark was opening wide, do or die

Under a mask of vermillion ruling eyes

Trigger warning; suicide, eating disorders, depression etc. 

My life is over at 22...

I remember that moment with such vividness, the moment I wrote those words down in a notebook that was smeared in my own blood. That moment I was in some of the deepest depths of depression I'd ever faced. I had sunk into a well that was so deep, so dark, an unescapable pit of misery I could see nothing but its cold walls from where I stood. I had no hope left for my future or recovery. I'd somehow given up, I had exhausted all the reserves I had. The nights were filled with the vividest nightmares and when I opened my eyes in the morning it was no different. The nightmares were more real than my waking life. There was no escape, no respite from what was happening within me. Every moment was a hell. Suicidal thoughts ran rampant in what used to be my mind. Every second awake, in my mind’s eye, I was jumping from a bridge, under a bus, a train, hanging from a noose in the woods, drowning, burning, freezing, starving. It just wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t make it stop. Isolation became a standard. I started falling away from the world I used to love so deeply. I couldn’t see the wonder and beauty anymore and my soul grew mute, my spirit dampened.

Things got so much worse before they started getting better. This took a long while, the worsening. Gradual fall from grace. The bottom was never too near, there seemed to always be a new low to be reached, another layer of shame to be peeled. I remember it so clearly, the moment when I made the decision to drown in the bottle. Because in one way or another that's how it was - a decision made on one layer of my being. A choice. I downed a bottle of red wine and something went off in my brain. Neural fireworks. It went off in a fashion I knew right then there is no going back. Something was hugging me from inside and telling me, if you stick with me I'll help you make it okay - sinister lies, of course. Nearly identical feeling I experienced at 14 when I threw up on purpose for the first time. It was a New Year's night, something wasn’t right at home and my cup spilled, the infamous camel’s back broke. The immediate release from something I didn't know how to fight, or to word even at the time, but was choking me alive, was way too tempting. I had found an escape trap door and that's all that mattered. From that moment on it took another seven, eight years of bulimic hell which I hid from everyone. That hell stayed with me, just changing shade, turning into the hell that is an addict's life. At the root, it's all the same, no matter what your choice of a fix is.

I am so, so sorry for everyone I hurt during these times. I am sorry for every hurtful word I have spat, every lie I have told. I am sorry for every message I left unanswered, every phone call I didn't return, for every time when I'd finally turn up I'd turn up drunk. I am sorry for the horror on your faces that I know was caused by my actions. I am sorry for every trauma triggered and every new one created. I regret the many ties untied, friendships lost, sisterhood broken. I can't stop missing you and some days it breaks me. I wish I could still fix things but I don't know how. Letting go is extremely hard. When I ask for forgiveness, these days, it seems it is mostly from myself, apart from anyone else. I know people mostly, propably, don’t hate me for going thru hard times and reflecting that outside but it is extremely hard to convince myself of that.

I know now it couldn't have been any different. I was coping, at the time, with the ability I had, which seemed, at times, like there was none. As if it was all just destruction not survival. Blame and regret are so pointless but I struggle to release them. These memories swirl around in my mind and my dreams, triggering the shame. Countless times I’ve grown so fucking frustrated of this cycle that it caused me to re-enact on old patterns and just deepened the anguish indefinetly. But then I began to reckon these things are trying to teach me, to show me the path I don’t want to be on anymore. That it is the time to do things differently. All of them.

I have felt on my lowest points to be the most despicable creature on Earth - complete scum who'd do everyone a favour by abandoning these earthly boots. But still, there would be knock on the door of my shattered heart, someone would walk in and say - I love you. Now, when you are uncabable of feeling worthy of a human life or form, there is someone, many even, who cherish you, think highly of you, want to be around, want to help. They want to know what’s going on for you, they want to hear about it, they really care. They will keep knocking on that door that you are so stubbornly trying to keep sealed. It's up to you to eventually get up and open it to them. At bottom of the well it is possible to forget that and keep making yourself deaf to those knocks on the doors of your heart. I have been shown a kind of grace I couldn’t fathom to exist once I dared to open that door. I see things could have been infitely worse for me from the start, and lord am I grateful they weren't. It definitely wasn’t rosy and stuff kept getting weirder, madder, more twisted the older I got, up to a point I felt I was going to be swallowed up in a furnace if I make no change to this annihiliation of everything I thought I’d ever be.

We can overcome so much more than we imagine. We are so much more resilient, so much more capable of goodness that once realised it feels almost overwhelming. In the depths of our hells, there is still, always, this sense of our basic goodness, even if we are completely blinded to it. It doesn’t go away, it doesn’t abandon you. We just need to get back in touch. And it really isn’t an easy task, at times.'

Right now, right here, I am so fucking grateful to have come out, so far, relatively sane out of the other end. I am 27 years old, turning which I truly celebrated last year (don’t usually mind birthdays or what not) just for the plain reason I lived this long – I had the knowing within, not just feeling, that I will never make it to this age. That was the power depression had over my mind. Inside I’d stopped living before I was due to leave here and about that I can only say it is one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced. To be a living dead, dead living. I am so fucking grateful for the people in my life who stubbornly kept knocking on that sealed up hard-wood door of my heart, who banged on it until I’d surface again and come live with you. I’m so fucking grateful for each and every day I get to breathe and experience here on this planet, to feel what I feel, see what I see, learn what I am learning. I will, like we all, eventually leave here but it won’t be by my own doing.

’’I know you are always with me

I trust in you completely

I feel your love everywhere

Om’’

 Shining morning

lingering breathing

eyes shimmering

horizon gazing 

back

at the onlooker

the game-changer

silent watcher

forward

flowing

~2017 

 ''kun ei hirttäydy kiinni ulkoapäin annettuihin määritelmiin siitä, kuka minun pitäisi olla, vaan saapastelee eteenpäin mahdollisimman aitona omana itsenään, voi törmätä joka päivä omaan porukkaansa ja nykyhetkessä tarkoitukseensa.''

''Fly low dear, fix yourself a life''

 It is stirring

Shifting

Transforming

 Alone, lone, one, all-one 

Molten lava in place of a mind

My heart a frozen volcano

Invisible eyes pierced, piercing, veils covering our dreams

Question your fears

Yell like a rebel from your watchtower

Familiar aliens in every corner

I love contradictions

Let's play

 They come rushing in 

the things I have done and left undone

the things I have said and left unsaid 

Shame writhes in my gut, snakelike

poisonous transparent teeth 

digging on to the energy flesh

let go let go let go forgive

still I am afraid I might see your face again

I thought I cried enough tears to have forgotten

but seems an ocean is not enough

How long are you willing to carry these burdens

Last summer I met a Hopi elder

he was three meters tall beyond his crouched form

his name was a shape in the sky

he reached into my spinal column and

pulled out a thorn from a seeping wound

rotten blood spilled on the mosses and

grew flowers and berries

A silver bear ran from behind the pines

and swallowed me whole

I was born again 

'The Shambhala warriors in the heart of the machine'
Anonymous, not showing themselves.
Love & awareness as their weapons
Going beyond the Self
One is Another
Take the Fire of Arunachala with you
Spread this light, this energy
It is the time
Life is  eternal, opposite of Death is Birth
We need to go beyond personal, beyond divisions
Beyond self and the idea of Others
Become home in One

'The shit you did is the shit you did. It's not who you are'

If you realise all things change
there is nothing you try to hold on to
If you are not afraid of dying
there is nothing you can not achieve
Trying to control the future
Is like trying to take the master carpenter's place
When you handle the master carpenter's tools
chances are you will cut your hand

---------------------------

If you end up with boring, miserable life cos you listened to your Mom, your Dad, your  teacher, your piriest or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit you deserve it - Frank Zappa

---------------------------

A big part of re-parenting yoursel is tolerating & staying with yourself while you're feeling big overwhelming feelings.

-------------------------------

Die before you die so you don't die when you die.

Wolves do not sleep (2012)

Aamuisin, heräävä kaupunki ympärillä
pilvetön taivas ja mustasiipinen lintuparvi
kirkassilmäinen poika liikennevaloissa
tietäväinen hymy
Päivisin, harhaileva mutta tyyni mieli
keveä askel ja lämpöinen suojakuori
lohdullinen vieraus, ette te minua tunne
Iltaisin, odotuksen tuntu
kaikki on mahdollista
ilta on minun aamuni
Öisin, utuiset silmät ja kujajuoksut

Esi-isän uudet vaatteet

What if we start treating each other as Humans - not as men or women, black or white, young or old. Without "qualifications", without judging by the looks, race, gender, age - seeing the "me" deep down. All those are just reflecting the "me".

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion 

And the act

Falls the shadow

-T.S. Eliot

---

Kipu kiertää kehossa
Kulkee, hapuilee
Löytämättä etsimäänsä
Harvat sanat huojuvat
Mielen laitamilla
Miksi olen niin yksin
Lähden, vaellan
Olen jälleen olematon, näkymätön
Abstrakti käsite josta ei saa otetta
Lumi sataa lävitseni

Rationale

Dreams; reality
Intertwined
Heartbeats
Whispers
Inhale
Exhale
Live and let be

Drink your wine from a glass
write whatever arrives to your mind
...it will be interesting
I light this cigarette again and
look around
It is calm and beautiful
Don't underestimate the power of
inner peace
It is so near and so far away
I look at the black filter of the cigarette
It reminds me of something
I smile
There is a bloodstain
on the page of this notebook

Safe, protected & determined

The courtyard maple has dropped last of its orange leaves and we are feeling the winter now,

horizontal icy rains and piercing winds 

Time to light up the fires in our homes and hearts...

I have been well, getting better with every sober day...

It is incredible to be in this space right now,

because not very long ago it felt utterly unattainable

It has felt kind of like when you're climbing a mountain, I guess

When you're afraid of heights

You're focusing on taking one step at a time, not looking down

neither looking up because it will only look like an awfully long way to go yet

Just making sure that the steps are being taken, following one another...

I remember a moment of break down, when I shouted out to the Universe

-if there is someone out there, please for the sake of my life, please help me now-

and from then on I have felt angels and guides appearing, being close

I have felt safe and protected

Angels and guides are with you and you are protected.....

Illustrate the Mind

Rainbow dancing
on northern sky
Wild cold fire
Guiding travellers
in the dark
Watching over
the lost ones
Frozen lake
Trees heavy of snow
Glimmering
Shimmering ice-stars
Where there is
Northern Lights
one is never alone.

--

Writing a poem
out of nowhere
A tale told by
a forgotten fool
Always drinking
in the same old
corner pub
Repeating
the same old jokes
Until everybody
but him
is bored to death.

--

Wrecked
distorted
mind
Fluttering
from place to place
Translate yourself
find a moment
to rest within
Fall asleep
into a new dream
What is in your heart?

--

LOSE YOUR MIND
LOSE YOUR SENSES
LOSE EVERYTHING
BUT YOU.

--

Voices in the stairway
Echoes
continue
from their birth
to eternity
My foot jerks

The morning returns
always too soon
How to stop the time
make it last forever
and here we have
the present.

--

Clean air
clean water
clean food
clean earth
pure human.

--

Move.
The air moves.
Stop.
The air moves.

--

Numerous faces
one day
over
and over
again
The faces change
I change
but the place
and the past
never do.

Ymmärrys

Avaan salkun salaisen

salaisuuden sanattoman

löydän minä etsimättä

Lupauksen teen

pyytämättä

Rukouksen lausun

äänettä, sanatta

Savu se nousee

savu se haipuu

Palaa se aina uudelleen

kun palaa se nuotio

Luulen ymmärtäväni

Ymmärrän luulleeni

että tiedän.

/

I open the hidden chest
the wordless secret
I find without looking
I make a promise
without asking
I pray a prayer
without sound, without words
Smoke arises
fades away
It returns everytime
the fire burns again
I believe I understand
I understand I only believed
that I know.

Open those doors inside your mind which reveal the tools you've been given

Share this poem with those who dare to imagine...

Olen yhtä kera kaiken

kaikkeuden valkean

läpi vaikeuden

vaikeuksien

kuljen minä yksin

muttei yksinäisenä

erottamaton

jakautumaton

yksin yhteydessä

olevainen olematon

koskeva koskettamaton

Tulen äärellä on se

lämmön äärellä on se

se joka tuntee

se joka tietää

se joka on

se. on.

Olematon. Oleva. Olematta oleva.

puoliksi täällä

Kosketan sinua

rakasta lämmintä ihoa 

tuttua

mutta tuttuus voi johtaa tuhoon

siispä pidämme välimatkan

joka suojelee meitä molempia

joltakin, jota kumpikaan ei tunne

mutta tietää olevan kuolemaksi.

Tulva/Flood

Tulva lävitse tulen
Tuuli lävitse aikojen
Nimettömien nimet
äänettä kuiskattu
Kirottu rukous
Ryöstetty lahja
Osattomien osana on
huolehtia huolettomista.

/

Flood thru the fire
Wind thru the ages
Names of the nameless
whispered without a voice
A cursed prayer
A stolen gift
The part of the partless
is to care for the careless.