Please let me fall in love again

please let me not let another day

pass by in discreet silence

Please open my eyes to see again

the magical play of life.

1.

Vaikuttimet ovat vaihtuneet

Sisallani palaa

Pala palalta

Vahenen

Loydyn ja katoan

Kumarran kuolemalle

Voikukat loistavat valoa

Taivaanranta lepaa

Raskaana saapuvasta yosta

Lohduton loputtomuus

Vai toisinpain?

Alasti nuolisateessa

Joka ei lapaise kirkonkellon varjoa

Kahlittu maahan jalkapohjista

Joten luon nahkani

Luopuen jalanjalkeni sammaleille

Suopursu hehkuu hamarassa

Syksyn haistaa

Illan korvista.

2.

Syyllisyys ajaa takaa syyttomia

Syteen tai saveen

on lopullinen yhteenveto

Aamu alkaa eilisen muistoilla

Minuuttiaikataulutettuja nautintoja

Vuorovesi nousee

Huuhtoen varjot vasten kallioita

Kuun tanssi veden kannella

Kumarrellen keveyteen

Henki hiljaa huokuen

Luovu en

Muistamisen kirosta

Unohdan liikaa

Mutta tarpeeksi

Olkoon ylpeita

Noyrryn silti.

Kurvaillen kirjaillen

kirjosiivin kiitäen

taitaen taittaen taivaankannen

tuuliin toisiin

säihkyviin sinisilmiin

lempeimmän lammen laineille lyöden

puhuripilvien paljastamat

satojen sammaleiden salaisuudet

tuhannet tammet, tietäväiset

uniin untuvaisiin

uinahdan ainiaaksi.

Rememberance I

12/3/2015

Alttari on rakennettu. Rukoukset Temascaliin valmistettu. Ihailen kumpuilevaa vuoristoa, sen syvää sykkivää vihreyttä. Mikä pyhyys siellä asuukaan. Oloni on keveä, luottavainen. Observe & hear everything but don't get pulled into it. Katson, miten ihmiset täällä auttavat ja välittävät toisistaan. Se on kaunista ja arvokasta. Kuuntelin, ymmärsin hetken kun sitä tarvittiin. Mikään ei todella ole iästä kiinni. Avin talo on kaunis, savesta itse rakennettu mäen kupeeseen. Alan vihdoin oppia arvostamaan lepoa ja rentoutumista, antaa keholleni sen mitä se tarvitsee ja ansaitsee enkä polta sitä loppuun. Tuntuu hyvältä olla täällä näiden ihmisten kanssa. Minulle lainattiin lämpimät sukat ja olen siitä syvästi kiitollinen. Yöt ovat todella kylmiä.

Miksikö olen täällä? I want to finally let go of the illusion that I am alone in this world, somehow different and separate from the people and my surroundings. I pray to deeply feel my Oneness with All, to truly experience it and to remember what I already know but have forgotten amidst the chaos and confusion of the modern world. As the child of the Mother Earth I wish to truly reconnect with her. I pray that all the blockages would go from my system, that Life would freely flow and manifest itself throough me. I pray that this new flow woul open and awaken the real creativity within me. I know now that Art is what I really wish to have in my life, always. By losing the ability the create, even temporarily, left me feeling so hollow inside.

All the water touches changes...

Eternal present...

Family of Fire...

Commitment on beauty...

Don't believe in death - life beyond life.

Lose respect - fear begins...

13/3/2015

Such healing, such release. Forgiving and praying for my family, creating space for love instead of anger and bitterness. I found the sacred source of strength within, which goes beyong pain and fear, the clear intention, focused prayer to the elements... The Moon helping me so beautifully with her graceful light, Grandfather Fir answering to my prayers and giving strength. I sat up straight, focused, trusting the wisdom of my body which is so much greater than that of my mind. The rainbow wings of a hummingbird, flying with joy and love. All my ancestors standing behind me, I honor and give thanks to them for bringing me to this world. I laugh and cry at the same time, out of love, sorrow, this kathartic ecstasy of finally giving up on things that no longer serve, or have never served me to begin with. I could sing like never before, with a voice so pure and strong it felt like coming outside myself but through. Let go of your fear, friends. Hard times might be coming, but we are a family, we are all related - we are together.

"Beauty is the manifestation of secret natural laws."

14/3/2015

Olen nukkunut ensimmäisen yön ilman kipuja moneen vuoteen. Kehoni on eheä ja kevyt, mieleni kirkas ja avoin...

Take some care, always give your best. Share your talents with the world, it is the most beautiful thing. To walk on the Path together is super beautiful. "This is for learning more songs."

16/3/2015

I don't ever want to lose this fascination for adventure that I have.

I remember these words... Bring your best, share the best that you have. Trust yourself. Have some compassion, for yourself and your family. Love you. Show some respect. Details are important. Meat of an animal is too a medicine. Don't be afraid... I am so grateful it hurts.

It happened, it truly happened... Thank you.

Eco vs. Ego

"When the ego and the eco are balanced, the creature lives in harmony with the planet. In this theory, such a balance is considered to be the true meaning of spirituality, because the individual is a conscious part of, attuned to, and in harmony with a greater level of actual Being. When too much emphasis is placed on the self, the ego, an imbalance occurs and problems result, especially when that imbalance is collectively demonstrated by entire cultures. To suggest that these problems are only environmental, and therefore not of great concern, is incorrect. Environmental problems (damage to the eco) ultimately affect all living things, as all living things derive their existence, livelihood, and well-being from the planet. We cannot damage a thread in the web of life without the risk of fraying the entire tapestry.

When the ego gets blown out of proportion, we get thrown off balance in a variety of ways. Our educational institutions teach us to idolize the intellect, often at the expense of our moral, ethical, and spiritual development. Our economic institutions urge us to be consumers, and those who have gained the most material wealth are glorified. Our religious institutions often amount to little more than systems of human-worship, where divinity is only personified in human form, and only human creations (e.g., books and buildings) are considered sacred.

By emphasizing the intellect at the expense of intuition, creativity, and conscience, our educational systems yield spiritually imbalanced individuals. No discussion of a subject should be considered complete without an examination of its moral, philosophical, and ethical considerations, as well as a review of the intellectual and scientific data. When we ignore the ethics behind a particular issue, and instead focus on intellectual achievements, it's great for our egos. We can pat ourselves on the back and tell ourselves how smart we are. It deflates our egos, on the other hand, to realize that we are actually insignificant creatures on a speck of dust in a corner of the universe, and that we are only one of the millions of life forms on this speck, all of whom must live together."

-Humanure, ch. 4

"If it's beautiful, it's better."

Wandering alone through the snowy forest

Tree tops curving above my bare head

Forming a sky of new kind

I remember the gold in your eyes

& how we used to lie down 

Heart to heart

For hours

Just like that

I love you

See you soon.

Luikautus

Avaruuden uuden luoden, taivaankannen taiten taittaen. Nimettömien nimet kiveen kaivertaen, tuhansien tuulien maasta. Luovien luovuutta lahjoen, lahjoja laakeiden lakeuksien. Laulaen lentäen linnun siivin, koivun oksan kohottaen. Näenkö näennäisen, väkien värjyvien salaisuudet. Pimennossa puiden kantojen, kantilta kuun kylkien. Auringon aaltojen avatuvien, läikkyvät värit väärällään. Sykkeestä sydämen syvänteiden, noitarummun pauhuva pauke. Turvassa tulen sylissä, puhtaaksi puhaltaen sielun. Sinä, minä, me, te - yhtä juurta, yhtä maata, yhtä taivasta ja kiertoa. 

Kaikki, tässä ja nyt.

Giitu elli

Kuuntelen. Hiljennyn. Plaaplaaplaa sanojasanojasanoja. Mihin niitä tarvitaan. Täyttämään tila, joka muuten tuntuisi liian tyhjältä? Katson kivisillalta alas hiljalleen virtaavaan kevätjokeen. Mitä kätketkään itseesi, tuhansia tarinoita, pisaroita, kohtaloita. Näen ympyröiden avautuvan ja sulkeutuvan jälleen. Tämä matka ei kulkemalla pääty. 

Tänään kirjoitan kiitollisuudesta käsin. Ymmärrän, ettei onnellisuuteni ole kiinni siitä missä kohden Äiti Maan pintaa olen. Halaan minua kovasti. Kyllä me pärjätään. 

Hiljaisuus tervehtii minua kuin vanhaa ystävää. I embrace it as such. Tuntuu hyvältä tietää millaista on rakastaa minun laillani. Rakastan sinua kuin sitä ensimmäistä kevään kukkaa, joka hennolla voimallaan ilmoittaa aikojen vaihtumisesta. Mitä ikinä minusta tahdotkin, löydät kyllä kun katsot tarkasti. Pisarassa aamukastetta, ruohonkorren kärjessä lepää kokonainen maailma. Niin sinunkin silmissäsi. Leijonan harja hohtaa jälleen, ilves kehrää tyytyväisenä. Jos vain olisit siinä, suutelisin aivan pienesti niskasi kaarta. Niin pienesti, ettei mikään voisi olla sen suurempaa. 

I am so grateful it hurts.

Toolkit for the heart

x fast from negative thoughts
x concentrate on appreciation & gratitude for everything in your life
x let go & forgive
x embrace the lessons brought by suffering. challenges are gifts
x leave room for mystery
x don't fill your life up with all your petty knowing
x thinking is shit-knowing
x become a 'hollow bone'
x silence, solitude & nature
x hold an image of something you wish to manifest in front of you
x every word counts...

...the most important lesson in the entire process is that the method you use to transform yourself must have the energetic quality of the end you seek.

Yöjuttu

En laske enää kylkiluitani, ovatpa laskemattakin. En kääntele päätäni puolelta toiselle hämmästellen, olenko todella tuo tyttö jonka silmienväri näyttää muuttuvan mielialan mukaan. miksi leikkasit kauniit hiuksesi, kysyy passintarkastuspisteen työntekijä. Jotta voisin tuntea itseni naiseksi ilmankin, vastaan hymyilemättä. Kurjen kaula on pitkä ja notkea. Olen tulossa yhdeksi niistä, jotka löytävät suurimman rauhan aamun aikaisimpina tunteina, muun maan vielä uidessa unen virroissa. Yön syvät varjot eivät enää tarjoa valvoville silmilleni tuttua turvaa. Suljen silmäni jos opastusta kaipaan.

Rakkaus. Tyhjyys. Varmuus-epä. Luulo. olento olen vainko vaikenen luoden lehden kevyen silmun silmä silmästä valon varjon vuoren juuri keuhko valaan pyrstö aalto laine kuohu vene keula mela miekkasaari hauta shamaani viimeinen lepää metsässä syvä uni pehmeä sammal ruoko kiskon köyttä en jaksan luovutanko varmasti olisin jossain muualla lienenkö uiden vastavirtaan veren värinä näkö pupilli musta sikiö kuollut elävä uusi syntymä tahdon vakuuttaa olen tässä kykenen pelkään juovun viini vahva mieli heikko en saa otetta mutten tarraudu lapsuus on oli eilinen portaikko ylhäällä pimeys ukkonen taivaanrannassa mustat pilvet lähestyvä pelko ratkeaa vihdoinkin arvoitus ikuinen leikki takaa-ajo juoksu lento läähätys pulssi sydän kiihtyen veri pumppaa ulos korvista räjähtäen loppu.

Taiteilija

"Filosofia alkaa ihmettelysta. Taitelija ihmettelee ja ihailee, han kaikkialla etsii ja kaikkialla loytaa ja kaikkialla nakee. Taiteilija on todellinen tiedemies, joka ei ajattele etua eika seurauksia vaan ainoastaan ihastuu totuuden nakemisesta. Todellinen taiteilija on ihminen, joka osaa nahda kauneutta kaikkialla eika siis tuomitse mitaan vaan on suvaitsevainen. Kaikkia ilmioita han ihmettelee, kaikkia ihmisia han ihailee..."

Kirje kotiin

Just tassa hetkessa tahdon jakaa sun kanssa. 

Taalla on kaunista ja kirkasta, aurinko kay paiva paivalta kuumemmaksi. Intian mittapuulla nyt on kesa. Olen aloittanut prosessin, jota on enaa mahdoton pysayttaa. Se kipu jota olen vuosia kantanut sisallani on alkanut tulvia ulos. Tulvia kuin kevatjoki joka peittaa kaiken alleen. Joskus unohdan olevani muutakin kuin kimppu tuskaa sykkivia hermoratoja. Olen itkenyt ja huutanut, kironnut sita kaikkea jonka olen kokenut vaaraksi tai epareiluksi. Olen itkenyt sita ettei meidan perhe koskaan saanut mahdollisuutta olla terve ja kokonainen, olen itkenyt niita vuosia jotka olen hukannut itseni vihaamiseen, olen itkenyt sita vakivaltaisuutta jolla kohtasin minuuteni, olen itkenyt sita etta veljeni syntyi ilman silmia, sita etta joku iso poika haukkui minua huoraksi vitosluokalla, sita etta lahdin niin kauas ja niin aikaisin, sita etta olen tuntenut niin paljon katkeruutta tasta kaikesta etta sydameni mustui. 

Mutta lopulta, kuitenkin, alkaa helpottaa. Kasvan taman tuskan kautta, en jaksa enaa piilotella. Kaivan luurangot kaapista, asetan ne keskelle toriaukeaa. Siina ne nyt ovat, katsokaa kaikki. En jaksa enaa haveta. Ymmarran, etta tasta eteenpain on vain yksi tie - rakasta itseasi tai kuole valittomasti. En jaksa enaa vihata. Olen paastanyt rakkaani takaisin toisen syliin ja se on ihan okei. En jaksa enaa vastustaa. Nyt on aika olla yksin ja kohdata. Ei paa edella niin etta sattuu, vaan lempeasti, karsivallisyydella. Valilla mua pelottaa ihan hirveasti ja toivoisin etten olisi bambumokissani iltaisin yksin. Kuitenkin, kun katson kuuta, hengitan syvaan ja alan laulaa, pelko katoaa. Ymmarran, etta tassa on kaikki. Ihan kaikki. 

Edessani kohoaa vuori, jonka majesteettisen silhuetin tuhannet ovat ikuistaneet paperille. Minakin, rikkoutuneeseen saviruukkuun tosin. Katselen korpin syovan gekkoa badam-puun oksalla ja tiedan kuolevani joskus.  Toissapaivana lapioin lehmanpaskaa paljain kasin. Taalla sita kaytetaan lattioiden korjaamiseen. Ootko koskaan kuullut Tamil-nimisesta kulttuurista? Tamilin kieli on yksi maailman vanhimpia kielia ja ihmiset taalla Tiruvannamalailla, varsinkin pikkukylissa, elavat aivan samalla tavalla kuin satoja vuosia sitten, perinteita kunnioittaen. Aamuisin hieman ennen auringonnousua pyorailen yhden tallaisen kylan lapi hakemaan vastalypsettya maitoa. Aurinko nayttaa kirkkaanoranssilta kolikolta, ei sellaiselta saihkyvalta kimpulta kuin Euroopassa. 

Musta tuntuu kuin olisin vanhentunut niin monta vuotta. Tai sitten nuorentunut. Olen hukannut ikani ja nimeni, osoitettahan minulla ei ole muutenkaan. Missaan tassahan ei ole kyse mistaan henkilokohtaisesta. En tieda mita teen tai minne menen kun lahden taalta. 

Rakkautta.

Katutaidetta, vuorikiipeilya & kissajoogaa

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I stood alone at the gateless gate, too drunk on love to hesitate

I took a deep beath, leapt & woke as if I had never slept...

Hetkellisyyksia

Heippa. Tassa on mun lemppariotoksia viimeisen puolentoista kuukauden ajalta. Ollaan keretty monennakoiseen pahantekoon eika aikani tai energian ole riittanyt blogin pitamiseen kaiken muun hulinan ohella. Hankin uuden linssin kameraani entisen rikkouduttua, ja olen melkoisen innoissani tulevasta Sri Lankan reissusta uuden linssilapsukaisen seurassa. Kuulostellaan. <3 p="">

Evening letters

I feel sadness. Heaviness in my chest. A weight pulling me down; I am afraid. I feel resistance towards the things that are happening. I feel unfair and hurt. I feel like I am somehow a victim, but I also know none of this is really true. I am responsible for choosing my reality and my feelings, There is always a choice. This is a path I have been walking on. This is the path when one no more is ruled and blinded by the emotions. One can choose to step back and see situation as a whole. To what extent everyone is involved, what they are going through in their lives, what they want, what they expect. Also why.

I am afraid of being alone. I feel worried whether I manage to keep the illness which is lying dormant within me, in control. Throughout this whole recovery process there has always been someone next to me to support me. Soon it won't be this way anymore. I know I won't be completely alone, never, but I see how the approaching change is bringing something entirely new and unknown to my life. It is frightening and exciting at the same time.

I try not to think in terms of our relationship coming to an end of some kind. Because things are not simple in this way. In between humans there are set relationships that begin and come to an end within the framework of time. I humbly believe that deeper than this are the genuine soul connections which you form with someone very special and these connections are forever. They have no beginning, middle or an end. On the moment of meeting this special person you could feel like you already knew them from before, and from that on will always carry them in your heart.

Being together like that... Connected on numerous and indescribable ways is a great joy. There was always something else than just the conventional. We were not drawn together for the sake of physical attributes or sexual interest only. Being together started naturally changing us both and started to bring out our best qualities, qualities that had previously been suppressed by other anxieties and trivialities of life. We discovered the space and brightness we both had within; they were just waiting for the right moment to manifest.

I shared so much with you, at times even ceasing to care whether you were really receiving or whether whatever I was pouring on you was in any way beneficial for you. I thank you always, just for being there. You taught me how to work with judgements with your own example of acting. With you there was the space. Space for joy, love, anger, jealousy, admiration, light, dark, purity, stains - it was all there, taking turns. I have shared all these and many more nameless emotions with you. Thinking of one I can immediately recall the moment in time when we lived through it. The presence was always so strong memories remain.

I am grateful for all this. Because, what could possibly make one richer than knowing this, experiencing this - the subtle levels and ways of perceiving and living the life, discovering the mysteries and believing in real magic? All this is more important than anything else. In a way you were the missing key to my lock, the invisible lock in my heart that I was never able to see. By being yourself shamelessly you tore me open. To be with you I had no other chance but to open up and stop hiding myself from you and the world. You managed to dig all the way down and through my to heart, helped me to share and express more and more fully than I had done ever before.

I used to think that you are crazy and burning your candle from both ends. In a way I still perceive you like this, but in a different way. I now see you as someone who is full of fire, so full and so alive. I see you as someone who is on their way to mastering this fire, so it will not burn you. It is beautiful to be a witness of this. I know you will get there. You are the magician.

What comes after everything that can be given has been given? I often ask this from myself. To me you have, from the very beginning, appeared as a person of extremities somehow. Always giving so much, you were, you are. I had never met anyone like that before. Writing for you is very helpful on this moment, when the currents or emotions are strong and threatening to pull me to the sea of sadness. Still, I hope you will never feel worried about me. I know you tend to, sometimes, but I reckon it is about time to bring an end to this, not only because we are physically departing, but also for my own sake. It is time to travel solo for a while. You helped me to get started and gave me advice and courage.

I have never written like this to anyone. Always when I write, in the moment when the writing is happening the words and ideas are entirely private and sacred. It is only afterwards when I decide to share or publish them. The intention to write like this to someone specifically appears very rarely. I feel this very special need to care for you - I love the way you receive and appreciate this care. It is a very precious thing to give and receive in this manner, without having to plea or expect anything. Being able to live without expectations - what a wonderful lesson and freedom it is. It has been only with and through you that I have started to learn and witness this. It is certainly one of the ways to get what you need - not necessarily what you thought you want, curiously enough.

With the help of you endless inspiration and appreciation of me I found my own inspiration in life again. To create and express fearlessly. To be curious towards life and things of all kinds. I admire your open mindedness and ability to see things from different angles. It has been so rewarding to learn to consider possibilities and follow ways that before seemed somehow too 'far out' or impossible even. Like in a dream.

We can create our own reality. There is no separation between inside and outside. That is what we are being shown almost every day, is it not? I like to be with you because you always remain some parts or things about you as a mystery. It is a very interesting feeling. Almost like curiosity, but slightly something else still. I am happy to have written all this. There are emotions which awaken this almost desperate sensation of them never going to end are the ones which come from the deepest pain we have experienced, the sorest wounds. It is the cry you cry at night, when minutes stretch out into weeks and years of suffering, when all the hurt you have ever felt is being remembered at once. That is the cry of the child within all of us, who is struggling to find her way in this violent and crazy world. At times like this, it is good just to sit down and let the child write.

Underneath the banyan tree