Daytrippin'

Edinburgh-Bilston-Roslin-Polton-Lasswade-Bonnyrigg-Dalkeith-Whitecraig-Musselburgh-Portobello-Edinburgh. 

Syksy II/Autumn II

They burn hot behind my closed eyes. I cannot focus. People around me, the sinking city, the lights, the noise. The noise... I run with tired legs, throbbing and numb. Numb as my mind, trapped behind the expressionless features of my frozen lips. I've lost my edge, my wit, my courage and heart. My heat, my fire, my passion. I don't know who I am and what I want to do, what I can do. I have lost all the sense that world used to make, I cannot see the beauty of the changing seasons anymore. A smile from a stranger; frown. The shining wherris wheel: indifferent. The glowing colours of afternoon sky; monochrome. A compliment from a fellow worker; insult. I just want to sleep. Sleep this all away. Wake up next year.

What is happening? I wish to understand, I wish I wish I knew what to do. What can I do to feel alive again? I wake up in the morning and want to sleep again. Deep sleep without dreams. I cannot remember the last time I had a dream. Imagination, the vibrant colours I used to be able to paint and reflect from inside out - have they gone down the drain? The rainbow. There is still a feather cut into my left wrist but I cannot remember why it is there. What does it resemble, what is its meaning for me? Whose skin is it? It must not be mine - I don't feel anything when you touch it.

I don't care about the numbers you give me to define the value of my work. I do not care about the papers, the endless hours. I do not care about the sparkly display windows, drunk people, take-aways, twentyfoursevens, cute stuff, pretty stuff, expensive stuff, shoes, clothes, nail polish, magazines, institutions, computers, funny people, smart people, beautiful people, definitions, conversations.

I can name so many more things that I am not interested in than I am. I love nothing, I burn to do nothing. My words are dead and stiff, stumbling and falling and knocking each other over. I rather listen to someone else than trust my own judgement - I cannot trust myself. I have no strength left to make decisions. I wish to stop eating, I wish my body to feel as empty as my head. I wish not to exist, I wish not to. I wish not to. I wish to be pure. I wish. I am full of false hopes. I work, I clean dishes. I repeat the same pattern over and over again.

False smile. Can you see through me? And your receipt there you go. I do not care, this too shall pass.

I miss everyone who is too far away to touch. I wish I could just see you guys right now and tell how much I care for you, in a way I have never done before. I always held all the love within me, never really expressing anything true or honest that lived inside. Just an empty shell.

I used to love so many things, I had passions. Movement, art, music, nature, insignificant now? Books, imagination.

I am curious. What if I let it all slide down the drain? What if I just let go for a while, do what I need to do and after that, just leave it?

I am unreal. What is it to be alive what is it I just want to stop thinking. I don't want to go home. I wish to wander on the streets overnight, I wish not to sleep. I wish to sleep.

My lips are dry and red. I realize - it is happening again. The usage of "I", I keep repeating and referring to my ego over and over again.

Syksy I

Miksi pelätä rumuutta? Paljastuuhan se kuitenkin. Kiipeän vuoren rinnettä yksinäisyyttä etsimään mutten löydä. Lähistöllä nuoripari kikattaa tupakkaa poltellen. Vituttaa.

Koditon kadunmies esittelee itsensä Luomu-Jimiksi. Jim on vihainen - joku on varastanut häneltä radion. Jim ei ole enää tällä planeetalla samoin kuin me muut mutta silmissänsä on valoa vielä. Kuuntelen, eihän tässä ole kiire mihinkään. Kuu kyllä odottaa, vaikka pysähdynkin hetkeksi ihmisen äärelle. Pelottaa. Silti, emmehän ole liian erilaisia, Jim ja minä. Kumpikin kaipaamme jonnekin. Muualle. Miksi miettiä mikä meidät erottaa?

Eläimelliset huudot kaikuvat öisillä mukulakivikaduilla. Hätkähdän ja naurahdan. Humalainen nainen roikkuu taksin ikkunasta irvokkaasta räkättäen, osoitellen minua etusormellaan. Hymähdän ja jatkan matkaa. Et sinä minua tunne, huutele vain. Samoin kohtaamme toisiamme, tutkimattomista menneisyyksistä tulleita. Mitä on takanasi en voi tietää, mitä on tuleva voimme kohdata yhdessä.

"There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, but it is not always quite the something you were after." -J.R.R. Tolkien

Mitä näen kun katson peiliin? Sinisilmät, jotka tietyssä valossa paljastavat kätketyn häivän keltaista. Nenän, huulet. Takkuisen tukkakasan, jonka taakse kätkeytyä, vetää verhoksi itsen ja maailman väliin. Miten tästä eteenpäin, mietin, ja nostan käden kasvojeni eteen. Keskisormessa minulla on isoisoäitini kultasormus. Muistuttamassa, ettei meistä, lopulta, pairhaimmillakaan jää jälkeen kuin muisto siitä mitä oli.

Tihkusadetta. Harmaus makaa kellotornien päälle, henkäillen. Olen kanaalin varrella taas, valkopartainen mies hymyilee ja vilkuttaa kun ponnistelen eteenpäin. Sydän kevenee hetkeksi.

I have dreams and ideas I am ready to work for.

Yliopiston aulan valot ovat kirkkaat, silmiä häikäisee. Hengitän syvään ja katoan väkijoukkoon. En katso sinua silmiin ja teen sen tarkoituksella. Hierot sormeasi ikeniä vasten leveästi hymyillen - pidä kiinni tyttö, on aika mennä. Kohahdus väkijoukosta. Mistä näitä sarjatuotantopersoonallisuuksia oikein riittää?

Kaikkia meitä pelottaa ja onko se ihmekään. Unelmoin salaa. Intia? Olisiko? Toivon. Hiukseni ovat litimärät sateesta mutten välitä. Näkeehän sen. Ottaisitko käsistäni kiinni ja halaisit kovasti. Älä päästä irti. Vapauta mieli ja sukella.

Näen hämmennyksen lapsenkasvoilla. Miltä näyttää aurinko ilman värejä, miltä kuulostaa kuuron musiikki? Ei se ole vajavuutta, vain erilainen tapa kokea.

I'm dreaming of...

India. 24.11., if everything goes all right, we'll be landing in New Delhi.

Bangour

Bangour Village Hospital was a psychiatric hospital located west of Dechmont in West Lothian, Scotland. It was officially opened in October 1906 (under the name Edinburgh District Asylum), over two years after the first patients were admitted in June 1904. The hospital closed in 2004.
The hospital was modelled on the example of the Alt-Scherbitz asylum of the 1870s, at Schkeuditz, Germany, and represents one of the first village-plan psychiatric hospitals in Scotland. The Bangour institution comprised individual villas which would house approximately 30 patients each. The village also incorporated its own railway connection, a farm, bakery, workshops, recreation hall, school, shop, library and, latterly, a multi-denominational church.

The hospital was requisitioned by the War Office during both wars when it became the "Edinburgh War Hospital" and "The Scottish Emergency Medical Hospital", reverting to a psychiatric hospital between the wars and after 1945.

The closed hospital was used as a filming location for the 2005 film The Jacket, starring Keira Knightley and Adrian Brody

^-Wikipedia

"Shaman drool on my harmonica!"

A letter to the Witches/Chillum Diaries pt. 1

9/1/2013

"Namaste beloved sisters and brothers on the path! It is my seventh day here in Tiruvannamalai. It is also the seventh day of intense practise and I would therefore like to share my experiences and emotions with you. I am in a very unusual place.

Practising yoga in Tiru.

Tiruvannamalai is one of the holiest cities in India. Here the Sun rises from behind the Great Temple and sets behind the Mighty Shiva Mountain. The city itself is filled with pilgrims and Sadhus, holy men wearing orange robes. The smell of smoke, deep fried chilies. fresh fruits and incense mixes with the smell of cowshit and urine. The sounds of thousands of carhorns, bells, jingles and drums. Mantras are sang everywhere. Om namah Sivayah! Rich backpackers, beggars, salesmen and a handful of skinny whities. Westerners meditating in their airconditioned rooms in ashrams, bright eyed children running around barefooted, piles of rubbish framing the sides of the seets, the colours of the rainbow shining, all the time, everywhere.

India.

An Indian camouflage.

At the time of my arrival to Tiru I felt very lonely and my heart was full of fear. I didn't really know why I had come here, left my wife in Goa and taken this exhausting, 24 hour long trip here. There seemed to be no reason. My mind was clouded by painfully intense emotions, all racing, chasing each other inside my head creating chaos. I was alone in the city full of strangers, hopelessly lost. There was only one thing I was certain of and had decided: I would isolate myself from everything I love and care for one hundred days. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to, because it was the only way to renew connection between myself and my beautiful wife Ayuka. To release me from the grip of my addictions to  smoking, drinking, drugs, to Ayuka. To become a better man, to be able to love my wife purely and freely without jealousy, obsession and wanting to possess, own her or her love. And most importantly to find out what kind of a man this Qba really is, what he really wants and how he could get it. And also to find love for this Qba from my heart.

My wife Ayuka and me, couple of hours before I left for Tiru.

The practical side of my task is simple:

1. Go to Tiru, climb the mountain, find the cave and make it home.
2. To find a neem tree and every morning eat 10 leaves on an empty stomach. This is to purify my body from toxins.
3. Find a place that sells ashwagandha and every morning have one spoonful with honey to make my balls and nervous system stronger and well-functioning.
4. Practise Yoga every day 2-3 hours. It will help release blocked and stale energies, strengthen my body and help discover a more balanced state of being.
5. Meditate 2-3 hours daily to calm the stormy waters of my mind, so that I will be able to see my own reflection clearly and objectively. It will help raise my awareness and be more present.
6. Eat simply, not too much and not too little not to get sick or weak. Food is to keep me healthy and energized. It is a medicine.
7. Stop wanting and expecting things because then and only then the truth will appear in front of me and everything that happens after is excatly what I need.
8. Stop saying "no" to people and situations. Don't plant the seeds of negativity and refusal. If my intuition tells me otherwise, remember to look in the eyes and smile with genuine love and cheerfulness. See what happens. 
9. Slow down.  

Simple as shitting in the forest isn't it? But even all these  simple things can be challenging in the beginning, especially at nights when you know that the cobra might be there."

Mono Rojo!