They burn hot behind my closed eyes. I cannot focus. People around me, the sinking city, the lights, the noise. The noise... I run with tired legs, throbbing and numb. Numb as my mind, trapped behind the expressionless features of my frozen lips. I've lost my edge, my wit, my courage and heart. My heat, my fire, my passion. I don't know who I am and what I want to do, what I can do. I have lost all the sense that world used to make, I cannot see the beauty of the changing seasons anymore. A smile from a stranger; frown. The shining wherris wheel: indifferent. The glowing colours of afternoon sky; monochrome. A compliment from a fellow worker; insult. I just want to sleep. Sleep this all away. Wake up next year.
What is happening? I wish to understand, I wish I wish I knew what to do. What can I do to feel alive again? I wake up in the morning and want to sleep again. Deep sleep without dreams. I cannot remember the last time I had a dream. Imagination, the vibrant colours I used to be able to paint and reflect from inside out - have they gone down the drain? The rainbow. There is still a feather cut into my left wrist but I cannot remember why it is there. What does it resemble, what is its meaning for me? Whose skin is it? It must not be mine - I don't feel anything when you touch it.
I don't care about the numbers you give me to define the value of my work. I do not care about the papers, the endless hours. I do not care about the sparkly display windows, drunk people, take-aways, twentyfoursevens, cute stuff, pretty stuff, expensive stuff, shoes, clothes, nail polish, magazines, institutions, computers, funny people, smart people, beautiful people, definitions, conversations.
I can name so many more things that I am not interested in than I am. I love nothing, I burn to do nothing. My words are dead and stiff, stumbling and falling and knocking each other over. I rather listen to someone else than trust my own judgement - I cannot trust myself. I have no strength left to make decisions. I wish to stop eating, I wish my body to feel as empty as my head. I wish not to exist, I wish not to. I wish not to. I wish to be pure. I wish. I am full of false hopes. I work, I clean dishes. I repeat the same pattern over and over again.
False smile. Can you see through me? And your receipt there you go. I do not care, this too shall pass.
I miss everyone who is too far away to touch. I wish I could just see you guys right now and tell how much I care for you, in a way I have never done before. I always held all the love within me, never really expressing anything true or honest that lived inside. Just an empty shell.
I used to love so many things, I had passions. Movement, art, music, nature, insignificant now? Books, imagination.
I am curious. What if I let it all slide down the drain? What if I just let go for a while, do what I need to do and after that, just leave it?
I am unreal. What is it to be alive what is it I just want to stop thinking. I don't want to go home. I wish to wander on the streets overnight, I wish not to sleep. I wish to sleep.
My lips are dry and red. I realize - it is happening again. The usage of "I", I keep repeating and referring to my ego over and over again.
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