Naakat nauravat haalistuvan taivaan takana
pihlajan lehdet vuorottelevat värejä
päivät jahtaavat toinen toistaan laahaten
minussa kytee epämääräinen raivo
sydämessäni sula laava hohtaa myrkyllistä valoa
en saa otetta siitä mikä täyttäisi minut merkityksellä
täynnä tyhjää
nyrkkiin puristettu käsi, hiipivä kyynel
jostain on aloitettava
herään uuteen aamuun ja hetken kiroan
kunnes muistan
kiitän
Addiction takes everything from its guest. Mental & physical health. Friendships. Relationships. Financial security. Sense of home & belonging. In the world & in one's body-mind. It takes & takes & takes until you're left but a husk of who you used to be. Who you had thought you'd become. You lose track of the past & your vision for the future. It robs you of your ability to believe there is anything good left in your being. You are but a craving machine trying to keep the clogs of madness spinning. The clogs of destruction. This keep unfolding, unravelling into a seeming eternity. You no longer believe you are capable of the most basic tasks of life. You cannot trust anything about yourself no longer, because all the promises you have ever made you have always broken one after the other. At the slight of a glimmer you smother it straight away. Hope cannot be trusted. 'Hope is evil.' What is left? Nothing but everything to gain, when you have once lost it all.
Recovery is a constant process of becoming & un-doing. It is impossible to go back to being who you used to be, because that is what got you into this mess to begin with. One must continually reinvent oneself. Build a new home on the ruins of the dreams you burnt down. Climb into that cocoon of unknowingness in your heart till you begin to see again through the hardly perceivable cracks.
I abandoned myself not realising how long the road back would be. The hardest piece of the puzzle to find had been forgiveness towards myself. It is so much easier to forgive others. 'If you are going to whip yourself, do it with a feather.'
Behind one smile, hundreds of stories and thousands of tears
Battles won and lost
I will never give up
I will pull through
I will walk till my feet are bleeding and skinless
and my heart is wide open
and my mind is free
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Kävelin ja pyysin anteeksiantoa
annoin muistojen hulmahdella mielen lävitse
Ikävä siihen mitä oli, kuka olin
keitä olimme
Voin vain hengittää, nyt
Odotin näkeväni sinut joka kadunkulmassa
Tai metsän laidalla, harjun päällä, järven rannassa
Itken keskellä jalkakäytävää enkä välitä mistään
Tunnen kaupungin paremmin kuin muistinkaan
Verta valuvat jalat kävelevät itsestään
Poispäin siitä mikä on mennyt ja sinne jää
